I went to WebMD so many times that I got a hemorrhoid.

So I'm just wondering...

Why exactly is it that stores hide things like Preparation H and Tucks?

Is it some kind of sick joke? Are the managers up there looking through their big brother cameras laughing at my plight?

I looked under Itching/Burning Creams.

I looked by Medicated Ointments/Wipes.

Nothing. I paced the aisles at the over sized retailer becoming increasingly aggravated. My problem becoming increasingly aggravated. Having never had this issue before I was at a total loss.

I saw no signs for Embarrassing Ass Problem.

No Secret Sore Relief.

Suffice it to say the Get Your Anorectic Treatment Here signs were lacking.

Are they trying to make it so I have to ask someone? So I have to go up to the baby faced teenager stocking shelves and listening to their Ipod; the one who is yet to experience anything publicly mortifying with their body; and inquire.

"Where is the ass cream??"

Finally I spotted a grouchy looking older woman. She was walking as if slightly uncomfortable and B-lining for the Antacid sign. I followed her.

I saw her stoop down and pluck a box off the shelf. Bingo.

I never thought to look in antacid...I mean, isn't that, while still connected, a totally different part of the body?

When she walked awkwardly from the aisle I swooped in. There they were, boxes of my needed relief, on the bottom shelf.

WTF?

Adding to all of the walking and looking and stressing about asking I now have to squat to select my savior?

Oh cruel irony your name is retail.

The baby is...

I spend an awful amount of time examining and making fun of the stress factors of new motherhood.

So for a twist of events...lets examine and make fun of some pretty good things.

I am back in my VS undies folks. That's right! And no matter how broke we are (ahem, Superbowl) I am buying mama some brand new spankies!

I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Granted, everything is in a different place but who cares? WAHOO!

Crazy statistic..I packed on 40 lbs while the bun was in the oven...ummm but that was ALL gained in the last 12 weeks...(this is what happens when you are sick for 28 weeks and then wake up hungry one day...very very very hungry).

However, it has taken just under 10 weeks to ship it off. All this while doing nothing but breast feeding. Imagine what will happen when I actually do crazy stuff like eat right and exercise.

The baby is a road warrior. A warrior I say! While putting her in the car seat induces absolute defiance on every level, the actual road tripping is a breeze.

Up and down the east coast this kid puts on a show for all she meets. Yesterday in fact she had a very in depth conversation with the crinkly cricket hanging in the back seat. I can not imagine what they were discussing but the cricket for one was taking it very seriously.

Ready for this one? I can sleep on my belly!

On.My.Belly.

This means so much to me that I even punctuated the entire sentence (which I never do)...I will even do it again with greater enthusiasm so you really get it.

On!My!Belly!

Spouse and I actually had a moment last night where we didn't hate each other. Our neighbors were here for dinner (check us out being all adult like) the baby was sleeping and we were talking to other people but no matter!

There was no crankiness or aggravated tones to our voices. We were both (dare I say it?) happy at the same time, in the same room. For the same reason.

...and finally...Spouse is upstairs right now giving his daughter a bottle and putting her down for a nap...and I'm doing this!

Rock on!

(Oh and for those of you interested in that dandy graphic up top you can get it here. Just be sure to get your wallet out first so you don't have to get up when you are all like "ooohhhh" and "aaaahhhhh" and "I have to have that!")

There are no pictures of this little baby.

In preparation for childbirth Spouse and I took a class in Hypnobirthing.

We (really...ME) wanted a gentle, natural, quiet and peaceful entrance into the world for our baby. I of course wanted to do the right thing by my child but I had selfish reasons too. I can not be numb I told myself. All the pain in the world is better then being numb anywhere, much less below the waist.

Unhealthy emotional panic was attached to this concept.

Bring on the pain.

Now while the circumstances of our childs birth outweighed my own neurosis I still had a good run of 12 + Hypnobirthing hours in labor.

Go me...
psycho...what the hell was I thinking?

My birth plan did not go exactly as planned. Or at all really but I still was a Hypnobirthing champ at the end of it all. The Queen of Hypnobirthing.

For 36 hours after having our daughter.....I had another child of sorts.

This one took longer and hurt a hell of a lot more.

The first BM.

Now I can not imagine what the first movement must feel like with a vaginal birth...I was robbed of that little joy. I can however speak freely about the movement of the post-cesarean movement.

Oh lord above how could you create such torture and hell?

All you hear as a girl in regards to childbirth is the timeless joke. "Squeezing something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a lemon..." what they fail to mention is after you have pulled off that little beauty there is the whole "Squeezing something the size of a cantaloupe out something the size of a pine nut...".
Oh and by the way the muscles you would usually use to do that have been sliced.

The nurses distract you with things like stool softeners and questions about your digestive track. They make you think its a good thing to get moving.

I can not tell you how long I was in there. Or exactly the look of concern on Spouses face when I finally did make a limping, hobbling, sweaty appearance. What I can say is if you take Hypnobirthing for any reason it should be this one.

And with that here are my Hypono-affirmations.

I look forward to the passing of my first BM with comfort and relaxation.
I meet my first BM only with my breath.
I go inside to my first BM.
I am surrounded by a mist of bright orange that my BM vibrates to.
I focus my attention away from the negative barriers and toward the positive of the passing of my BM.
We are connected and I guide my BM gently out.
My pine nut opens wide like a flowering rose to allow the passage of my BM.
Everything flows perfectly like a beautiful dream.

...Now add some of that funky music and light touch massage and we have ourselves a better solution then half a bottle of Colace.