In our own words.UPDATE

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This took way too long for me to update! Thank you for your patience...I am so very very pregnant and that state seems to be conducive only to napping and not blogging!

Here are the long awaited answers. I have to say, I think some of your guesses are funnier then the reality! (Michelle you have a naughty naughty mind...I love it!)

Cat Blocked (verb) - A personal favorite. The New Girl nailed it...trying to enjoy some love when you are so rudely interrupted in the most obnoxious of ways. You're cat blocked. Butt in face, loud purring...it makes it impossible to do anything but chuck said cat into a wall.

Ass Mice (verb) - Yes it is in fact a verb. Be careful what you say and how you say it in bars. That is how "Ask Nice" was warped into "Ass Mice?" which was then abused to the point where it is so far from its original meaning that you have a hard time remembering life without it. "I ass miced my way all over the store during the holiday sale but no one would help me"! etc etc

Masshole (noun) - I thought this was a gimme! Maybe it is just me living in New England and 10 miles away from the Massachusetts border? The New Girl and Mayzie were closest. A Masshole these days is just about anyone I am forced to come into contact with from Massachusetts. ...especially on the road. I am now convinced anyone driving too slow in the left hand lane learned to drive there, no matter what their license plate claims and no matter what state we happen to be in at the time! MOVE OVER! SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU! Common decency people! It is not all about you!

Edwina (noun) - Total drug reference from my younger years and still in conversational use today. No matter when marijuana is brought up among my friends, it is referred to as Edwina. (Which is why The New Girl's guess at "a forgetful person" had me cracking up!) This comes from the Steve Martin movie All Of Me. There is a line "Edwina Back in Bowl..." anyways, you had to be there. That shit is hilarious when you are 17 and hanging out way too much with Edwina!

Back of a Volkswagen- Credit to Kevin Smith on this one. "Sex somewhere uncomfortable..." "What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?" This is now used at home for anything considered uncomfortable.

'Nick and Elaine'. - We ALL live near them and I sure hope no one out there is offended by what I am about to say. Nick and Elaine...you know the type. The non-politically correct way to say it is...First word starts with W_ _ _ _ and second with T_ _ _ _. They keep ALL their prized possessions (you know, like broken windows, flower pots, lawn mowers, empty boxes, ladders etc etc) scattered about their front lawns as "decor". They have fake flower arrangements set out in cinder blocks. They leave their holiday decorations (not just Christmas here folks...every freaking holiday) up all year round. They have 6 people living in the house and 14 cars. 9 of which don't work, 3 of those don't have tires and the remaining rattle your windows at 3 am when they leave for ummm "work". Yeah we all have them in our neighborhoods. I used to live next to them in fact. If all that crap in the yard is important enough to keep shouldn't it be in the house and not rotting away for us all to see???? This is a post in itself.

Did a Jane. - bahahaha ahhh the Jane. Ever wonder why Walmart smells like poop? A friends sister in law "farted" in WalMart. She then realized it was more then just fart. It was a little...how do I say...squashy. So now walking through any store if that smell drifts by someone must have done a Jane.
(The end of that story by the way...Jane went to the bathroom to clean herself up and was in the handicapped stall. A young child and mother came in. The child says "Ohh Mommy...that person pooo'd their pants!! The mother says "Shhhhh...she is handicapped!!". Which she is not; we wouldn't make fun of it if she were! Now the story kills me, however, what I find even more amazing is Jane actually told this to people!)

Bump it. - Off Road term (we are a Jeep family...Rock Crawlers, not Mall Crawlers). When Spouse and I started dating that term was used plenty in the off road park. "Just Bump It"....I thought it was perfect for anything that ever needed to be forced.

I hope that semi-entertained you guys. Thanks for playing along!!!! I loved it. Please look at the comments and check out what a "Whale's Mouth" is hahaha. Oh and I think a "Bagel Minute" is like a "NY Minute"

Now...If I could just Bump out the baby life will be swell.
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How many of us out there are crazy and have created our own languages? That's what The New Girl wanted to know! So I answered her and in return I am listing my own secret language and asking you dear readers to define it!

Although in all honesty mine are not nearly as good as hers...I mean I was peeing I was laughing so hard...really, go find out about the 'cat in the basement'.
I'm not going anywhere...go look and come back

Ok...As you have seen we seem to share a wee bit of brain The New Girl and I and we both use "Digger" and "If it were up your ass you'd know" on a regular basis. BUT there are so many more!
Have fun and take your best guesses!

Define:

Cat Blocked (verb)
Ass Mice (verb)
Masshole (noun)
Edwina (noun)

When and why would you use these?

Like in the back of a Volkswagen?
A 'Nick and Elaine'.
Did a Jane.
Bump it.

I'll post the answers in a few days!

I feel so dirty!

I shouldn't have done it...I don't know what came over me.

Spouse brought home Burger King tonight. No I did not jump at his burger...yick. I don't eat Burger King...I don't eat fast food.

I never have....ever.
Not really veggie friendly. The occasional Wendy's baked potato but really that's it.

So I don't eat fast food...and along with the not eating of it I also don't drink soda.

Much.

I have partaken freely of Ginger Ale through out my pregnancy. Anything to help keep your food down I always say.

But tonight...Sitting there on the coffee table was Spouse's drink...a large COKE.

So like I said, I don't know what came over me. I picked it up and started gulping it down.

...and it was so0o0o0o0o0o good.

SO good!

Like crack. Not that I have ever or would ever try crack but I imagine this is what it would be like. A pure rush of delicious 'I know it is so bad for me' drug! It made me want more!

I have not had Coke in years! YEARS! Double digits.

Look how hyper I am from the sugar! I have used exclamation points six times already!
Ack...seven.

But tonight...oh tonight, that is all I want. He keeps glaring at me when I walk back into the room. I had to turn to the blog world to distract myself from the cold, syrupy, bubbly heaven with a straw that is in my house right now.

We do not buy soda...we do not even buy beer.

Apple juice. That is our vice.

But I understand now. I do not necessarily agree with it, but I understand the load full of Cola soda bottles in that ladies cart at the supermarket.
You know the one.

I will no longer judge her.

Much.

Cat Haiku

My brain, peanut sized.
Yours? Largest among primates.
Yet who leaves for work?

~Anonymous

'D' Day +3

I wanted to thank everyone who has been reading and commenting for your support! I have received wonderful advice and a lot of love, it's nice to know I am not alone in this one. I am really loving this bloggy world!!

Originally I composed a whole post this morning about the ins and outs of "home labor induction"...it was pretty detailed as well as being insistent that it was the last I would say on the matter! I was moving on!
It was good! I laughed...I cried..it was better then cats. Not cats (nothing is better than cats) but CATS....which almost everything is better than!

But...we saw the doctor today and after much discussion and a non-stress test (baby is perfect) an induction date was set for a week from today!!! I will get another non-stress on Thursday to be on the safe side.

It's nice to know there is an end in sight. One that works for me (I so want the baby to come only when it's ready) and my doctor (who is not comfortable letting a pregnancy go beyond 41 weeks). I know some of you would say it's not up to her, and I agree...but I trust her and she really listened to what we had to say.
If it were just up to her she would have induced me today but I really was not comfortable with it and insisted on the fetal monitoring! (Thanks for that tid-bit BF!)
Monday is a good compromise.

Then on the way home I looked at the date and got such a shiver!
(Remember I am from Jersey so imagine me saying this in my best Jewish accent "...such a shiva dahlin! You would neva believe!!")
December 3rd.

Odd how some things just happen.
Or fail to happen...as the case may be.

My Day

Phone calls-8
Emails-14
Questions-1

"No, no we have not had the baby yet...we will call you."

...and honestly they are all starting to give me a complex.

'D' Day +1

Well...that seals it.

You are not like your father.

I have said all along that if you were you would have popped out 15 minutes early with a watch on.

You are late.

Which means...you could be like me.

You are in there procrastinating.
Enjoying the close dark comfort of sleeping late on a rainy morning kind of procrastinating. You know, the kind of morning where you really would not get out of bed unless something forced you to.


Like pitocin.


I am famous for it.
Are you still sleeping??
Yes, yes I am.
And it seems you are too...which is troubling on a few levels.

Where your father is even tempered and stead fast I am dramatic and fickle.

He has the ability to make up his mind on one thing and stick with it. I of course must spend an endless amount of time mulling it over...weighing my options....deciding on something, then half way through totally changing it; morphing it into something that wasn't even on the table in the first place. I will inevitably, when finished, start all over again just so I still have options.

I am impossible.
He is easy going and laid back.

He is a manager and a leader...I can not and will not be managed.

He was content to sit and play with his toys growing up, mechanically inclined he would dismantle them and reassemble them again. He loved his army men and kept them neatly packed in their bucket at the end of the day.

I exploded as a child and my toys were the shrapnel.
I still explode to this day.

What is it we can expect if you are anything like me?

If you are a girl we are very much in too deep already. My mother always wished a daughter on me that was..."just like me". I now realize with growing trepidation how seriously I should have taken that threat at the time..."So"...I sassed back..."she will have great hair".

Although, as impossibly stubborn as I can be, I am also impatient.

For something I know I really want...I rush in. For all the time I can take in making up my mind, when it is set I want immediate action and satisfaction. Just watch me.

My exit from the womb was 3 weeks early.

Yours however....

It's leading me back to the original question which has been nagging these long months.

My impatience growing from an even ebb and flow to a full blown flood.

Who exactly are you?

Turkey Day Haiku

Thanksgiving Day meal

No need to loosen your belt

When still in PJ's

If the advice fits (even when nothing else does)...

I was given some really sound advice on a recent post about the pending birth of my child.

"Michelle said...
The best way to go into labor? Become COMPLETELY content with being pregnant. Decide (and believe) that you'll be totally happy being pregnant forever, and that you're ok with it. When you get to that point-- You'll go into labor within about 12 hours. Maybe 18.But ya gotta BELIEVE...."

So here it is...my belief and acceptance that I will be pregnant forever and honestly, why that is just fine by me.

• Spouse does everything for me...I mean everything. Sunday football this week in our house...Me "Can you get me 2 clementines and a paper towel? Enthusiastic Spouse "Sure!" (5 minutes later) Me "Ummm can I have 3 more?" Not So Enthusiastic Spouse "3? Are you sure you just don't want the whole box?" Me Totally Missing Beloveds Sarcasm "hmmm not a bad idea but I will need more paper towels too..."

• I LOVE to feel the baby move. It's my pal no matter where I go or what I do. I always have someone to talk to and it has an opinion on everything.

• Everywhere I go people smile at me. They look at my belly and smile. That's so cool! I am passed the "hmmm oddly fat or pregnant??" look from strangers and get smiles!

• All of my jeans have elastic tops...you know how freaking comfortable that is???

• I can wear ugly shoes all the time and no one can question me on it.

• No MS Symptoms!!!!!! No fear of MS, no question as to what each tingle or missed step could mean...it's not a degenerative neurological disease...it's pregnancy woo-hooo!!

• If I am pregnant forever then I do not need to suffer childbirth....sweet!

• Spouse rubs my feet and back without question...did I mention he does everything for me? Without me really asking now?? The independence in me still fights it but I am adjusting.

• Spouse snuggles me to sleep and then goes into the guest room leaving me in the Tempra-Pedic all by my lonesome to toss and turn and flip at will! Is that wrong that I think that's a good thing?

• Ummm I don't have to get a job but am not yet a mother. I will look back at this time of my life one day as the most glorious time ever!

• Now that illness (27 weeks of it) has passed and never returned I can eat anything I want but only if I chase it with a bottle of Tums...

• My hair looks GREAT! I mean really really great.

• The house is always clean because it's just the two of us.

• As long as I am pregnant I know I will never ever ever ever smoke. I don't have to work on will power or avoidance. It's just not an option. Now some may judge on this, please know I really will never smoke again. I will not do that to myself....But the temptation to once I am done breast feeding is going to be overwhelming....as long as I am pregnant there is no effort to it. It's a "well duhhh" sorta thing. It's easy and when has quitting smoking ever been easy?

• Ha! This is the best one yet...*singing* "I don't have to clean the litter pan, la la la la la!!!!"

• My boobs are huge! While I do spend a crazy amount of time obsessing over this as a bad thing the fact is they have never been this firm and Spouse has really never been so happy. So that one is sorta for him.

• I can go get quilt free pedicures. (Like I finally managed to do yesterday-color: "My Kind of Brown OPI")...No worries about the baby and Spouse and if I pumped enough before I left.

• That's another thing...pumping, leaky boobs, engorgement, clogged milk ducts, cracked nipples...yeah not so much!

• Getting dressed is a breeze. Only 2 things fit me at this point and really...where am I going this pregnant?

• I can be moody and have an excuse!

• I am up all night on own terms!

• Finally, my Jeep is still MY JEEP and not the Mommy Mobile. No car seats, strollers, diapers or wipes. No little mirrors, snack bags, sippy cups or "hmmm what's that stain??". There is no lolly-pop goop on the window and not one crumb of goldfish.

Now....do I sound convincing?

Countdowns

For the last 11 years Thanksgiving has been a really rough holiday for me. It used to be just a holiday... a day to avoid the turkey and whine that there weren't more veggies on the table. But 11 years ago at this time we lost my mother to cancer. 13 days from diagnosis to death. That was all we got. At the time, my father was battling Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma that had only been found a month before. So yeah, not such a good time.

10 years ago my father was just ending his radiation treatments. I was on a path of self destruction and medicating myself beyond measure. None of these 'medications' were exactly legal.

9 years ago my father and I began our annual trips to California for Thanksgiving to my brother's house. This would continue for years. It was easier to leave home during that time. Easier to not be in her house and count the years back. To think about exactly what happened on what day. To gauge my memory of her by the standard of how long she had been gone.

4 years ago I think I stopped paying attention to the days. I had begun dating Spouse (who knew and loved my mother) and had finally found peace in what had happened. Acceptance that what I had left of a holiday had to be more then memorializing those 2 weeks in my head every year.

1 year ago I was finishing my last treatment before the holiday. I was going to VT to BFs, both of our traditions broken that year- we decided to be together.

It is the week of Thanksgiving and I am so grateful that from this point forward, this time of year is no longer a battle between what was and what is. I am not consumed by grief or anger. I don't mourn it. I don't turn from it.

Because one year from now I will be preparing for my baby's first birthday.

A day that as I sit in the here and now preparing for- will most certainly occur before December 3rd.

The day that I lost my mother.

Answers to the World's Most Annoying Questions.

Since the New Girl beat me to it...(I had one drafted...I just needed to be quicker! Small world this Blogosphere is...).
...I have this.

1. Nope, not yet.
2. Yes, we would have called you.
3. That's what they tell me.
4. VERY Pregnant.
5. It hurts.
6. Yeah I am done.
7. Kinda like "Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now"
8. About 20 minutes away.
9. Yes someone will call you.
10. All the time but just the fake ones.
11. 11/23
12. Yup just one week.
13. If we don't have the baby yet then I am cooking.
14. No, nothing too fancy, just the two of us and only Spouse will have turkey.
15. No vegetarians do not eat turkey.
16. No fish either...I am a v-e-g-e-t-a-r-i-a-n.
17. Veggies and Yams and such.
18. Yes I get enough protein.
19. We know what it is, a baby, we just don't know who it is.
20. Spartacus Rex...happy? We aren't telling.
21. I really don't care, just healthy.
22. Well you wont be the first to know, but someone will call you.
23. I don't know who, someone, there is a call list.
24. No when the baby is born, not when we leave for the hospital.
25. About 20 minutes...I already told you that.
26. Baking cookies.
27. He's playing solitaire on the TV.
28. Yup, we are just killing time and waiting.
29. Yeah, it's moving and grooving but wont leave.
30. Everything is ready.
31. The cats are fine, they wont bother the baby I assure you.
32. No, we do not need a net.
33. My Dad is ok.
34. He has to go see a Neurological Opthamologist.
35. I'm not sure.
36. Yes he is excited.
37. Probably not, he isn't feeling well.
38. Thank you but he cant travel.
39. We will let you know.
40. You really want me to call you about that?!?!?!
41. Yes we will still call you when it's born.
42. I'm not sure, depends when it's born and the holiday season in general.
43. Because I am going to breast feed.
44. Because I am going to breast feed.
45. Love the breast is half empty attitude, we will get it if we need it.
46. Uh-huh....
47. Sure....
48. Cookies, I am 9 months pregnant that qualifies as dinner.
49. I will....
50. I promise, we will call you!

**Disclaimer. This is not meant to offend anyone who has been so kind as to inquire as to how I am doing. You can rest assured that if you know about this blog then you aren't one of the people who this was instigated by. I ask that if you wish to ask then please please ask ask ask. I do wish to hear from you, I love you, you are my friends!!! You are not them.

One joke in the hand is worth two in the....

I had my OB appointment yesterday.
I leaned back on the table and prepared myself with my mad hypnobirthing skills to be 'checked'.
The doctor said "I would feel a little pressure."
I called her out and asked "Don't you mean pain?"
"Heh, well yeah," she said. "...and it will only take a second...Like an NBA second."

Personally I am 'Out'!

I am so (excuse my language) fucked up right now, about timing, obligation, illness, family, death, and not being able to pay my respects in the way I feel I need to that I can not articulate it without a 5000 word rant and many many run-on sentences.
I have tried to and honestly- no one wants to really read that.

So I will just say this to distract myself into thinking this is what I will focus on for the day.... and to fool all of you into thinking this is all that's really going on right now in my life that means enough to blog about.
(see how I still sneak those run-ons in!)

I LOVE Project Runway! It's back!!!!!!!
Lest you judge too quickly know this...I am by no means a 'reality TV person'.
I like sports.
Nor am I by any means a 'fashion person'.

My understanding of trends is "Do not leave the house with food stains on your boob (if it can be helped)". The only true fashion statement I ever make is- hmmm does this Yankees hat endanger my life living in New England? The closest I have ever been to "a nice dress" was my wedding gown and shhhhh I got it discount.
I also wore sneakers....silver ones....but they were still sneakers.

Oh and clearly that's not me on the link.

If it were I think I may care a bit more about fashion then seeing what a bunch of catty or funny people can create on TV.

This is me....

See....the 3 of us combined know so much about fashion that we had to spend 10 minutes making sure the dress was on facing the right direction....

That said...don't you think Heidi Klum's voice can be sorta annoying?

You know, if you put aside her amazonian beauty and just close your eyes and listen.

To Do

Today's "To Do" list.

• Finish packing for baby.
• Begin family holiday shopping.
• Obtain all needed information for friend doing shopping favor for me in NJ.
• Get Pedicure -with the hoonanny nay nay on display for everyone to see dang it my feet are going to look good when this kid comes out!
• Visit Old Navy store for baby bunting -only item not secured. (Next to pedicure palace...excellent!)

Today's "Reality".

A night of false labor...2 hours total sleep.

A moose in BF's yard. Cool!

Xmas shopping begun...check.

Elusive breast pump kit being picked up in NJ and mailed to me by rocking friend...check!

Beloved relative on life support. Oh god.

Hysterical phone calls to Spouse where he assures me he will take me to NYC for services if needed no matter when or how. Breath, stop crying. Call other relatives for full story. Agree man made of steel and will bounce back. Only positive thoughts!

Lunch...in oven.

Toaster oven in fact.

What's that smell?

Fire?

Fire in the house?!?!?!

Not good.

New plan for day...scratch pedicure plans. Go back to bed and add "buy new toaster oven" next to "get pedicure" for tomorrows "to do" list.

...and now for something completely serious...

...well not completely. Let's not be silly.

I would like to address an issue very close to my heart (this time, not my boobs. Although if you hang around they are bound to come up...drop down? Whatever.)

I have noticed talk in the media and I have read articles on the Internet centering around dating after 30. 2 minutes and 26 seconds was devoted to online dating alone on the Today show this morning. That's a record. (That is, how long I am actually paying attention to the Today show.)

But what about friendships after 30?? I have noticed a lack of friendship dating sites. There is not one "Shopwith.com" or "Spouselessdinners.org" heck...not even a "RuralLadiesWhoLunch.edu" around.

I am struggling. I have lived in the QC now for 10 months and still know very few people.

Granted, I have a few things working against me.

I stay at home. There is no office environment for me to build relationships in. I do not have children (on the outside of my body anyway) to involve me in playdates or playgroups.

We are not religious. Even if we were, we are Jewish and there are not really any Jews here. We have met one, my OB and she does not know of any others. Not really enough for a community.

Spouse works in the city where people are either single and living it up or are suburban with young families but they are not located near us.

I did not volunteer when I should have and that is my fault. Now with the baby it wont be an option again for sometime.

We do not live in a neighborhood but a very rural road.

So how does one meet people?

I took heart with advice from BF that I would meet neighbors, I would meet people in my birthing class! The friendship pool was half full!!

Ever the optimist BF is.

I met my neighbors some time ago.

Above us are the nicest people but they are considerably older then us. Below us, people our age, no kids yet (although they do have 2 pups) and we got along SO well! As couple's we have hung out a few times. I went out once with C. (the wife) for dinner and manicures. Since then however there has been no repeat of our 'date'. We call them to make plans but they always tend to break them at the last minute. When they call us to hang out I happen to be out of town. In fact every time they call I have been out of town and Spouse has spent time with them.

Trying not to get a complex here.

Still neighbors do not a whole county of people make so moving on....birthing class!!! We get there and immediately there are 2 woman I like. Bonus one of those woman and her husband seem to like me and Spouse too! Yeah!

Further bonus. The wife, T. works at the physical therapy office I go too! Yeah!

Upon one visit after classes ended I asked if they would like to go out as couples for dinner.
Yes! Yeah!

So last Friday we had our 'date'. It was great. We actually went out as adults! I picked out clothes, I plucked! I took this very seriously.

I think we all had a really good time. But only days later I am as worried as a 20 year old college girl who met a cute boy and had coffee with him.

Will they call? How did we leave it? Did they like us? Was it me??? Did I mention that I was a Yankee fan too soon into the dinner? What did I do? How do I handle this?

Meanwhile, the other lady from class I gave my phone number to. I told her I was a stay home too but nada. No calls.

Am I too desperate for friends?

Then something horrifying dawned on me. All the birthing classes and play groups in the world does not actually mean any of the people I meet are going to like me!

I don't think I make friends easily. I mean I always thought I did until I really started looking at it recently.

All of the friends I do have I have known pretty much forever.

20+ years. Which in the perspective of a 33 year old is dang close to forever. My newest friendship is BF and that's going on 11+ years.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been a social butterfly. I have always been out, about and with tons of people. I am a Gemini after all...But how many of those people are actually my friends?

How many have I kept?

I always looked at my friendships like a fist full of sand.

Stay with me here.

You take a large fist of sand at the beach and then let it pour out. You wipe off our palms but a few grains always stick.

Those are the friends.
The one or two people you take away from a situation that stay with you.

Those are the ones that count.

I am blessed. I have 4 truly amazing women in my life who are my very best friends. My 'Blanket Girls'.

Together Spouse and I have a gathering of people we have known for most of our lives. Have I mentioned yet that we have known each other forever too?

This is how seriously I take my friendships. I keep them for life and I married one of them.

As a Gemini, I crave action. Groups of people and things to do. The absence of action is depressing. What makes it worse is the fear of wondering how am I going to socialize my child if I myself can not seem to do it?

When I voiced my concerns to Spouse this morning I pondered aloud how I managed to have so many people in my life for so many years. Dead pan as he can be he looked at me and stated..."It's a lot harder without all the music and the drugs."

ohhhhhh yeah.

So how does a person, over 30, passed 'all that' and in a place she really knows no one. Actually make friends? How do you find that fist full of sand?

Meeting people can be arranged.

Getting them to actually stick is a whole other story.

Those aren't the breasts I married.

As I was getting ready for bed the other night I hear Spouse say "Huh...Well those aren't the breasts I married".

I rolled my eyes and put on my tank top (a sleepy tank I have been wearing for years and although in pregnancy it barely reaches what I have left of a belly button I refuse to part with).

"I know, they wont stop changing...I am outgrowing those last bras I got...I think I am an 'H' now..."

He says nothing and when I look over to him he is just sitting there glowing with a large amount of pride. A 3 years olds "I did this!!!!" sort of look.

Another eye roll.

I am glad he is proud I tell him, but its down right uncomfortable. Shirts don't fit me right, bras this size are expensive and hard to find plus there is always the sleeping issue. Sometimes I feel as if they are going to smother me. Towels and my bathrobe are useless. Between how much I have going on up front in combo with the belly I can no longer reach to upper shelves of anything. My feet are a long lost sight and shaving my legs is an ordeal. I fear what these mammoth things will do to our baby when I try and use them for what they are intended for.

They stress me out.

None of this phases him...he just looks incandescently happy.

Men.

I am nothing if not festive.

So umm...how should I say...

Yesterday, while in the process of trying to 'encourage labor' spouse removed my bra.

Quite an effort at this point I assure you.

He looked lovingly down at my uhh...'generous endowments'...and burst out laughing.

I have grown accustom to the shock and awe that comes across his face (as if a man's wealth was measured by the size of his wife's chest and he was Bill Gates) but this was a first.

Surprised and slightly offended I gasped, "What???"

He was barely able to blurt it out.

"There is food on your boob"

I looked down and there, perched on my cleavage...was a perfectly formed orange pumpkin sprinkle.

At least it was from that morning's donut.

If a dish sits in the sink and there is no one there to wash it...

...does it get clean?

The answer to this question is in fact, no. It does not get clean.

It actually will sit in the sink and soak. Eventually it will develop an offensive sulfur like smell which will cause one to think for a split second that she may be having a stroke.

So I gave in. After 3 days of just hoping the dishes would magically vanish into thin air I did them.

Now I am paying the price.
The cost? Searing, blinding, take your breath away, am I in labor?? back pain.

You see my sink stinks. (...not literally anymore since I just cleaned it but figuratively)
I guess it's not the sink so much as it's the faucet.

It is a less then satisfying faucet.

If the faucet were a man it would drive a shiny red convertible BMW...would seriously consider the drugs advertised on TV at 3am to enhance it's performance...I would have to tell it that I have met faucets like it and it wasn't the size but the quality of the water from it that mattered...if you get my meaning.

Due to my less then average faucet size and my above average stomach size I need to tilt toward the sink in a pretty awkward position while attending to this particular domestic duty. After even 5 minutes my back just seizes.
It's awful.

I am then forced to lean all the way over with my elbows on the edge of the counter and my head sunk down to complete the task.

I have to do the dishes doggie style.

Was that going too far?

Because this was really what I was thinking while trying to finish up and distract myself from the pain.

I'm the faucet's bitch.

The earth laughs in flowers...and apparently at me.

One of my great loves is the love of gardening. Of the earth and green growing things. However in the last 9 months I seem to have lost the ability to nourish anything but the baby.

Yes I know, not the worst trade off in the world but...

I have developed a "black thumb".

Exhibit 'A'

Exhibit 'B'
**I spent the better part of the summer trying to assassinate this plant. To acknowledge my efforts it tripled in size and flowered. So I decided to let it win and to keep and love it.
The next day it looked like this.

Oh and if this weren't bad enough it seems I have also lost the ability to bake and have it look remotely appealing.

In hindsight I should have nixed the frosting and gone back to bed....

21 Days to go...

I have just spent a great deal of time working on a post about all the things that went wrong today.
About all the domestic mishaps that have pushed me to the very edge.

It was amusing, it had pictures. I went to empty the dishwasher and I realized how negative it all sounded and something even more important dawned on me.

I am having a baby.

All of a sudden I just swelled up and couldn't hold back the tears. I am going to be a mother.
Soon, very very soon.

The doctor told me this morning you were a "happy baby". I truly believe that you are and I have for months now.
I know you love me, I know you know me. I know you chose us. I love you more then anything else in this world and I don't even know who you are yet.

Well I know one thing, you are mine, ours. A product of a love I never imagined I would have. Something I never even dared to dream of because of how badly I really wanted it.

I have spent my whole pregnancy not using the phrase "I cant wait..." I didn't want to wish it away. Now though, knowing you are healthy and so very close to ready I can say it. I cant wait. To meet you, to see who you are, to be part of who you are going to be. I want to look into your eyes and see you looking back at me.

I know you are perfect, you were meant to be. They told us it wouldn't happen naturally, to try but not to hope too much. It happened right away. It was effortless.

I saw you would be here during the saddest part of my year. The time when I lost my mother, your grandmother, and I cried, not out of missing her (which I never stop doing) but because somehow I knew she has had a hand in this.

I worry about a lot of things, I stress about a lot of things and they all seem so silly and pointless. The one thing I never fear however, the one thing which your father truly embraces without hesitation...is you.

We trust you will come naturally, safely and beautifully in your own time. We trust in your tiny perfection no matter who you are. We trust we will love you, always, and give you everything we are.

Because for the last 9 months we have dreamed of you.

Thank you for keeping it all in perspective for me. I know maybe it wont always be just this quiet and peaceful but I will deal with that when the time comes.

For now though I truly cant wait.

50 True Things

1. I will not give the time of day to "Supermarket Stalkers". You know who you are. You have tables and pens and try to get me to sign/donate or express interest in your Fill in organization/charity here. (This rule does not apply to those pedaling girlscout cookies).

2. I didn't realize I had curly hair until I was about 16. Until then I thought it was just really frizzy.

3. If you are in the left hand lane and in front of me you are driving too slow.

4. One of my dearest dreams is to touch the grass at Giants Stadium. Is that shallow?

5. I believe my marriage is very much like my parents and that makes me happy.

6. The dream I had last night was that Howard Stern was electrocuting one of my cats, Bacon. It was horrifying.

7. The dream I had the other night involved hanging out with my friend Jenni from college, Christine from work, Angelina Jolie and Camryn Manheim. WTF?

8. I have actually left notes on peoples cars in parking lots like "If you cant park it don't drive it". I have also told people with great concern on my face that they may want to bring their cars in for service since I noticed their turn signals were not functioning.

9. My friend Jordan never fails to make me laugh.

10. I have seen the inside of every public restroom from NJ to VT.
Gross

11. I have a stash of Reese's Peanut Butter cups in a veggie burger box in my freezer.

12. I truly have only one regret in life and I never talk about it.

13. I consider the fact that my spouse can not properly work the dish washer or washing machine "Job Security".

14. Speaking of jobs...I miss my job every day but I don't actually miss doing my job...get it?

15. The people who live in my town are Jerry Springer crazy.

16. I can pretty much name any episode from Buffy the Vampire Slayer when given a brief description. Go on, challenge me...I know, I have problems.

17. I am very seldom naughty.

18. If I turn too quickly to the left I am likely to fall down.

19. I read blogs everyday...if I miss a day I actually feel withdrawal symptoms

20. I have a bedding fetish. Quilts, pillows, comforters, feather weights and thread counts make my knees go weak.

21. When I start reading a book I will finish it within 3 days or never. (I have piles of half read books I have lost interest in.)

22. I read the bible cover to cover. (I am not remotely religious and no that one didn't take 3 days.)

23. One of my oldest jokes...I am Irish and Jewish; I drink a lot and buy is wholesale.

24. In reality I don't drink ever, at all. Really.

25. I have however craved beer throughout my pregnancy. Weird....

26. I am dying for a cigarette. (It's been 9 months and I am wondering if the urge will ever go away.)

27. I have a lump in my jaw that may or may not be a "problem" (We will find out post-birth). I have named it 'Lumpy'. Creative I know...Names like Sven and Fredrick just didn't stick.

28. My two favorite meals ever; Ming's Dumplings from Rochester NY and Veggie Soup with Brown Bread from any pub Ireland.

29. The food in my current locale sucks.

30. If it was strictly up to me the baby's name would be McKenna or Leah for a girl and Henry for a boy. The Spouse hates all those names.

31. I have read The Stand, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (before it was cool to do so) and The Hunt for Red October about 6 times each.

32. On the subject of over kill....I can watch Love Actually or Pride and Prejudice over and over and over.

33. "Radio On" by Todd Sheaffer always makes me think of my brother.

34. I loathe summer but it wasn't always that way. Sometimes when I am trapped inside I feel like the girl in the bubble.

35. Friends don't let friends carry wicker.

36. My spouse completely disregards his health and it drives me i-n-s-a-n-e!

37. I love Broadway.

38. "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" has been my favorite since I was a kid.
39. I am a vegetarian.

40. My life is like Passover these days...I must 'recline' on a regular basis or suffer the revenge of the flailing feet to my stomach and ribcage.

41. I wouldn't have it any other way.

42. I will never ever ever complain about cold weather, being cold or any manner of winter which may annoy most people. I am "taking back" a season!

43. Christmas is my favorite holiday and it has nothing to do with presents and everything to do with seeing my family.

44. I can (and do) talk to Liz endlessly through out the day and amazingly we never run out of things to talk about. It has been this way for years!

45. I tend to make friends for life or not at all.

46. I am currently going through the latter.

47. I have a mental illness totally related to the creation of meals that do not involve a box, microwave or menu.

48. I redeem myself by baking.

49. I woke up one day and realized I was more 'adult like' then I ever thought I would be.

50. True to form I take no responsibility for this...its all Spouses fault.