It's Not Easy Being Green.

I have returned from the Green Mountain State and from a very colorful and enjoyable Easter with BF and family.

The highlights....

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Spouse whining to me on the phone Easter morning when I told him he had to go hunt out his Easter basket.

"...but I'm Jewwwiiiisshh...."

Ha! Every year he says this and every year I hide his basket full of goodies that are so well, good, that he will be forced to retrieve them.

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While nursing the baby I over hear this exchange in BF's kitchen...

The Terrorist: "What Daddy doing up there?"

BF: "He is changing out the light bulbs"

The Terrorist: "But why?"

BF: "He is changing them to energy efficient bulbs"

The Terrorist: "But WHY?"

BF: "So we can be green"

The Terrorist: (wailing) "BUT I DON"T WANNA BE GWEEEENNNNN!"

******************************************

And finally for your viewing pleasure:

Drama Queen playing with Baby Riley (as she will forever be known, named so by The Terrorist and even I am calling her that now).

Yes it is your run of the mill cute video of my baby and my favorite kid...but just hang on until the end folks, turn up your sound and listen. Despite her claims otherwise that is indeed BF singing in the back ground...




...I can just imagine the booty shaking that was going on. Do you think I should cut her a break? It was her Birthday weekend after all.

The Evolution of Laughter

Yeah...that's our big ass TV. Spouse bought that before we were married. I had no say. Oh and the picture on the TV. Well that is Brother and Spouse after the Superbowl. Usually I wouldn't have a picture on the TV itself, but this was a triumphant moment you see; so it holds a place of honor.

Babe and I are off to Vermont to spend Easter with BF and family. Nothing like egg hunting in the snow I always say.

Happy Easter!!!

Literary Speaking

My dark literary tastes have left me lost in my life as a new parent. My urge to immerse myself in a world of dreadful things is over. At least for now.

I asked for 'Happy Reading' suggestions. No more Holocaust and horror for me...I wanted sunshine, roses and puppy dog tales.

Megan suggested Marley and Me, which is one of my favorites. So much so that I own it in hard cover...A true test of a beloved book! Did you know they were making it into a movie?? With Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson. I am not sure why I know that but I do.

Cheryl made mention of a book called Troll which immediately peeked my interest. She is yet (hem) to get back to me (hem hem) with the authors name.

(hem)

Like what...she has 4 kids and is home schooling or something like that. The nerve right?

Mayzie said Goodnight Moon, which along with The Runaway Bunny and The Foot Book is a daily read. I must say. Love it!

BF suggested Days and Nights at Pemberly, which for those who are wondering what that is...it is like Jane Austen porn. Nice huh. It's so worth it but start with Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife.

Oh boy does he take her.

Heather suggested Debbie Macomber and Amber has a list (could I have expected any less from a dutiful employee of my favorite store?) Jan Karon, Lorna Landvik, Fannie Flagg, and Wicked. The last of which is the only one I have read.

It looks like it is going to be a very busy summer and the ladies at the library will know me and the babe quite well.

For starters I took Andi's advice. A book I have been wanting to read (and with the movie being made I had to get moving!) The Time Travelers Wife.

I am half way through it and and loving it.

If only I could read while playing Peek-A-Boo.

Really...a game I obviously took for granted all these years...because to a 3 1/2 month old it is the greatest game EVER and that is what I do all day long.

Thank you for your wonderful ideas!

Shanghai Red

On the final day of my recent imprisonment in NJ I had a visit from my mothers cousin.

My 'Aunt Mole'.

A little background. Aunt Mole can be over the top inappropriate; pretty much all of the time.

During my mothers memorial service she dramatically clutched me to her chest. "Ooohhhh, you poor thing" she bellowed, "You are ALL ALONE NOW!!!" (insert bawling on my shoulder here). I remember looking around the room at the gazillion people who were staring at me with great sympathy for this display.

Alone indeed.

While planning my bridal shower BF rang Aunt Mole to inform her that all of the bride's (me) Aunties were participating in planning the shower; you know, since I was ALL ALONE!. BF was met with silence. And then this....
"Maybe you should call the brides father and see if he will pay for it."

Click

She hung up on BF (can you imagine?) who hadn't offered anything more then for Aunt Mole to be involved in the planning not the paying.

So, when said Aunt invited herself over to see my off spring I accepted with little choice and great trepidation. What kind of story would this visit yield?

I could never have imagined.

Aunt Mole came in with excitement to see my girl. She came with all but frankincense and myrrh; but I truly believe those things were only absent due to her being Jewish.

Her greedy paws shot outward for my baby.

"Wash your hands please" I asked.

"Humpft...I always wash my hands!" huffed Aunt Mole as she stomped towards the sink with disappointment.

I bit my tongue.

She returned and I promptly handed over the baby.

Now a little background (I know she is all of 3 months how much could there be?) on Miss Riley.

She is a super cool baby. She is chill, she is friendly, not much ruffles her feathers. She likes the action, she likes most people and she is very much the little social butterfly.

She did her duty for Aunt Mole. She sat quietly in her lap and tolerated the petting and pawing. She squawked when Aunt Mole went to cradle her. I chimed in, "She really likes to sit up." Aunt Mole huffed and sat Riley back up right.

At this point my daughter turns her head and looks at me for help.

And that is when it happened.

Aunt Mole kissed my girl. Right in the middle of her forehead. With dark. red. lipstick.

I bit my tongue, oh how I bit it! Years of loosing clothing and makeup jobs to this generation of woman flashed before my eyes. The woman in my family who have to slather dark. red. lipstick. on prior to any interaction with any other human being on the planet. Years of these woman kissing me, hugging me, bawling on me. With dark. red. lipstick.

I should have known, I should have foreseen it!

This is what happened next, so fast that I couldn't react.

Aunt Mole notices what she has done. She then smears the lipstick into a dark red stain across my child's head. She huffs.

She takes the burp cloth and rubs it over the babies forehead. Rubs rubs rubs.
She rubs harder.

She licks the cloth and rubs again.

At this point I see myself mentally sprinting across the room screaming "NOOOOOO!!!" but in reality I am still yet to move. I am in shock. I am aware that my mouth is hanging open and that my hand is up in the "Stop" position and that this woman is about to maul my child but still, I am frozen.

She rubs and rubs.

She huffs.

Aunt Mole licks her thumb and rubs again. Again, and again and again.

The now lighter red stain is creeping into Riley's hairline. The baby is looking at me for help. Her brow is furrowed and her boo-boo lip is starting to appear. The whine is grumbling low in her throat. She is going to cry.

Cry my child CRY!

No one, not even me who knows what Aunt Mole is capable of could have fathomed what would happen next.

Aunt Mole looked at the baby. The baby looked back with tears and mistrust in her eyes.

Aunt Mole leaned forward.

And licked her.

She licked her.

She licked my baby.

The woman I made wash her hands before touching her. Licked her.

On the head.

Twice.

At this point I bolted forward. I whisked my now screaming child from her arms mumbling something about how "I could just get a wet wipe you know" and I raced away.

Riley looked up into my eyes. Through her tear and lipstick stained face she wailed accusingly.

I hear Aunt Mole mumble from behind me (because she followed me) something about how a wet wipe "might work", because you know, tongues are so much more affective.

After gently trying to remove the stain I silently resolved that I would need an actual a bath, actual soap and possibly an exfoliating substance to remove it.

The was baby still crying; I excused myself to nurse and calm her. Aunt Mole toddled after me and plopped down on the bed beside me.

I bit my tongue (which was almost bleeding at this point I assure you). I was over whelmed. Someone had just licked my child.

I hadn't even licked her. Forget that this scenario begs why you would lick a baby in the first place but who licks another persons baby???

Apparently, Aunt Mole.

The visit ended without further event (mainly because I soundly refused despite the under the breath huffing, to give the baby back to her).

Aunt Mole went to leave a short time later. Standing at the door she leaned in and gave me a hug good bye. No Kiss. Excellent.

She complimented me again on the wonders of my daughter. I thanked her sincerely.

Then, almost before I knew it, she kissed her.

Right on the cheek.

Oh Gawd!

Bath time could not come fast enough.

!!! This post rated R

Absolutely Bananas asked that we give some warning about a post that may be inappropriate for young children. So here it is...

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18!! They shouldn't even be in the house ok?

Now I think its hilarious but my sense of humor is vulgar at best. Sarah Silverman made this for her boyfriend (who knew?) Jimmy Kimmel!
Enjoy...

3 Months

It is hard to imagine my daughter is 3 months old.

It is harder to imagine what life was like without her. To me, she has always been here.

She thumps her mattress in the morning when she wakes up.

Thump Thump Thump.

Louder and louder until I come for her...and when she sees me she smiles.

Big and bright.

As if to say..."Mommy, isn't it a wonderful day?"

And I say to her... "Good morning my thumper." I scoop her up, kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear..."Who loves you more then Mommy?"

The answer everyday is the same...

Nobody.

Chewed By Rodents!

That was the official diagnosis.

Rodents. Chewed.

5 days and what they found was a wire...Chewed. By. Rodents.

Now I have two theories on this one. You tell me which is more likely....

The squirrels which are currently inhabiting my father's attic targeted me as the individual that called animal control on their fuzzy little behinnys. Having realized that it was in fact me, took action against me by deducing which car was mine and crawled up into my engine block to chew the wire which just so happens to control the main computer. Having done this they then returned to their comfy warm attic condos to await my destruction. They took great joy in watching me struggle with my car and laughed merrily as I was stranded. They took further aggressions out on me by constantly chewing and digging only over the baby's room; causing chaos while nursing and during nap time.

(please imagine all of this to the theme song from Mission Impossible)

Or....

This notoriously criminal dealership found a way to legally charge me for the computer that was covered under warranty.

Geee.....let me think....

After a large and loud argument with the service manager followed by forced payment (we may have to remortgage the house for this one); I am home.

HOME!

Thank you all for your support, suggestions and kind words during my forced imprisonment.

What made it worth it?

My Dad bonded with the baby....awesome.

Said baby, upon seeing her father for the first time yesterday morning. SQUEALED.

With her whole body.

From the top of her head to the tips of her toes...she trembled and SQQQUUUEEEEEEAAALLLLEEDD!!

Now...if you'll excuse me. I have a scathing letter to write to Chrysler.

outside the obvious

Ummmm yeah...Still here. The update...the dealer can not fix my Jeep either.

WTF?

So as I slowly loose my mind here is my list for why I think it is best I get back to CT ASAP!

• Stairs. In CT I have stairs and I miss them.


• The last part of the BBS production of Pride and Prejudice is recorded on my home DVR.


• Foot rubs. Need I say more?


• Temprapedic mattress baby.


• Sunny sunshiny house. My house is like vitamin D central all year long. It is the brightest happiest place I have ever lived.


• My front loader washer and dryer.


• In combo with #6, I would like to wear something besides the 3 days worth of clothing I brought with me.


• Silent doors. All the doors at my Dads house squeak and it makes me crazy.


• Speaking of squeaks. There are squirrels living in my Dads attic and they are building squirrel condos up there like freaking Doozers.


• Riley is 3 months old today. (gasp!). I have neither the camera or the stuffed puppy I photograph her with every month - with me.


• If I stay in NJ another minute I think I may strangle my JMIL.


• Ummm the baby is actually out growing her clothes I brought with me.


• I was firm on this one....I in no way shape or form ever wanted to live in NJ ever ever again. Now however, every day seems more and more like I am actually living here and it is making me very uncomfortable.


• When a squirrel was caught today I found myself wanting to pet it. I miss my cats!


• My fridge at home has a water/ice dispenser. Who knew that would turn into an indispensable item when you are forcibly removed from it for 10 days.


• On the subject of water...I drink a TON of it...From LARGE Cups. I can not tolerate the 8oz drinking glasses in this house. They are for insane and clearly dehydrated people.


• I am not ready for spring. It is coming here and I am afraid by the time I get home it will have arrived there.


• If I don't get home soon I fear Spouse will have driven himself insane by watching too many hours of the NFL Network.


• I am becoming a shop-a-holic for my baby. I have bought her 3 Easter dresses and we are Jewish.


• I seriously, honestly and truly miss home.

All joking aside. This is the worst part of all of it. Spouse. Alone. Up there.

Sure he goes to work and he comes home as usual. But there is no one there to welcome him. He has not had a hug in 10 days! This is the longest we have been apart since we began to date. It is hurting both of us. But it gets worse. He is missing his baby. The baby I took with me when I left is not the same girl I am bringing home.

She squeals.

She grabs her toys.

She passes them from one hand to another and brings them to her mouth.

She laughs. Today for the first time. She laughed and laughed and laughed.

And he missed it.

I just want to go home now.

Please?

open to suggestions

I just finished a really good book.

It engrossed me...however it has also left me a bit disturbed and shaken.

The book was largely centered on abuse, some of that towards children. As a new Mommy I now realize I just don't have the heart for that sort of story telling anymore. I feel raw and exposed.

I want to go hug my baby.

Fairly inconvenient since she is, you know, sleeping.

So here is where you come in. Recommend!

Something fluffy. Like Bison Frise fluffy.

Perhaps with a fairy tale ending? Where all the children are neatly tucked in their beds at night by their loving parents. They are told how special they are, how prized and how beautiful. All these lovely well adjusted youngsters grow as individuals while being nourished inside and out by their family, friends and communities.

They know they are safe. They know they are protected and valued.

Maybe there is a literary musical number?

Giving new meaning to a 'book' number...Ha!

Anyone know a book like that?

Anything close?

there'll be days like this

Hi. I am in NJ.

It seems I will be here indefinitely. My Jeep is currently in the shop with its guts and vital organs tossed about the garage.

It all started innocently enough. Tagging along after BF to NJ and spending a few days with my father. Excellent.

But then these little life things can turn in a second. Click. Crank. Sputter. Just like that.

I try to stay positive and I try to stay stress free.

Calling on hypnobirthing skills....reeelllaaaaxxxx.

Bullshit. I am negatively effected (affected?) by my lack of Jeep and sleep. I was considerably stressed out when the most honest mechanic in the world, Sammy the Pure and True...tells me.....

(cue soundtrack of some horrible B movie slasher flick)

Not only can he not fix it....but....BUT....it has to go to the ....dealer.

The Dealer.

Oh. Gawd. Not them. Pleeeaaase not them.

My home town Jeep dealer is notorious and they are the biggest crooks in the state. So here I am with CT plates and baby in tow. Doesn't that just scream fresh meat to them?

Lamb to the slaughter, wounded gazelle trapped by the jackals.

The second I walked in there I heard the maniacal laughter as the cartoon dollar signs rolled in their eye sockets. The drool dripped from the corner of the service managers mouth as I did my best not to tremble.

$1000 for some stupid little electronic part (like you know, the main computer) and it wont be here until at least Monday.

(cue tears)

When I was done hyperventilating I stumbled back to the phone to call Spouse. I explained what the jackal said. Spouse did major research and discovered (gasp!) this stupid part (uhhh computer) is actually covered under warranty.

I told the jackal this and he growled fiercely at me, he put on a great show of strength until finally he turned to find another, weaker victim.

So now, aside from diagnostic charges that could put my baby through college...I am stuck.

In NJ.

Not a bad place when it is somewhere you choose to be, but when forced it is maddening.

Its just me, baby, my Dad and the squirrels who are constructing squirrel condos in the attic.

Squirrels who are causing so much damage and making so much noise that I can hear them right now through the baby monitor. I am just waiting for one to come through the ceiling.

I knew I should have brought my pellet gun with me.