Baby Before Blog

Where have I been this holiday season?
New Jersey, but that's not why I've been neglecting my beloved online community.
I've been held captive...by my baby.

Seems I must have spoken too soon.
Oh she still sleeps 5-7 hours overnight.

...take another moment....hate me...

Maybe this will make you feel better?
She is awake...all day.

Really. All day long.

So what is my day like with my incredibly cute but non-sleeping baby?

GAAAWWAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
BOOB! BOOB! BOOB!

Really. All day long.

She has destroyed my left nipple single handed. It cowers in fear when it comes time to nurse her. Don't ask me why she has it in for only that nipple. She just adores the right one. Its clearly an easier nipple to get along with. Its her BFF. The left one must have said something offensive to her when I wasn't watching.

And when she is not nursing?

She is crying.

Really. All day long.

She has been super with our friends and family. She just coos and smiles and puts on her best "Aren't I the bestest baby ever?!?!" act.

Then they leave. And so it begins.

GAWWWAAAAA!!
Give me back that boobie!!!!
No wait...who the hell is this guy? Daddy you say?
I don't need no stinking Daddy!
He has no sweet nectar of life!
I said...give me back that boobie!!!
GAWWWAAAAA!!

And then she nods off to sleep.

For 20 minutes.

This is how is goes. All day long.

Until about midnight. When the coach turns back into a pumpkin and she sleeps for 5-7 hours.

At which point Spouse and I are pathetic excuses for human beings and everyone we know thinks we have the perfect baby.

Thank goodness she is so ridiculously cute.

They are made that way so you don't throw them in the river.

I know...this too shall pass.

Oh and before anyone jumps on me about the river comment...I would obviously never condone throwing babies in rivers. Its just wrong. Especially in winter.

Plus I am no where near the Delaware right now...so no worries.

Spouse-isms

Discussing my labor and its similarities of "inducement" ala BF.

Spouse: "You share a brain you might as well share a uterus".

Discussing the wait of 6 weeks for "marital playtime activities" and when the boobs will be his again.

Spouse: "I just don't know how I feel about it...it's like having sex on somebodies stove..."

Discussing the babe's need for multiple Binky's in the house (just in case)...I mentioned they come in Vanilla and Natural scents....

Spouse: "Natural? Like what boob scented Binky's?"

If the advice fits (even when nothing else does)...

I was given some really sound advice on a recent post about the pending birth of my child.

"Michelle said...
The best way to go into labor? Become COMPLETELY content with being pregnant. Decide (and believe) that you'll be totally happy being pregnant forever, and that you're ok with it. When you get to that point-- You'll go into labor within about 12 hours. Maybe 18.But ya gotta BELIEVE...."

So here it is...my belief and acceptance that I will be pregnant forever and honestly, why that is just fine by me.

• Spouse does everything for me...I mean everything. Sunday football this week in our house...Me "Can you get me 2 clementines and a paper towel? Enthusiastic Spouse "Sure!" (5 minutes later) Me "Ummm can I have 3 more?" Not So Enthusiastic Spouse "3? Are you sure you just don't want the whole box?" Me Totally Missing Beloveds Sarcasm "hmmm not a bad idea but I will need more paper towels too..."

• I LOVE to feel the baby move. It's my pal no matter where I go or what I do. I always have someone to talk to and it has an opinion on everything.

• Everywhere I go people smile at me. They look at my belly and smile. That's so cool! I am passed the "hmmm oddly fat or pregnant??" look from strangers and get smiles!

• All of my jeans have elastic tops...you know how freaking comfortable that is???

• I can wear ugly shoes all the time and no one can question me on it.

• No MS Symptoms!!!!!! No fear of MS, no question as to what each tingle or missed step could mean...it's not a degenerative neurological disease...it's pregnancy woo-hooo!!

• If I am pregnant forever then I do not need to suffer childbirth....sweet!

• Spouse rubs my feet and back without question...did I mention he does everything for me? Without me really asking now?? The independence in me still fights it but I am adjusting.

• Spouse snuggles me to sleep and then goes into the guest room leaving me in the Tempra-Pedic all by my lonesome to toss and turn and flip at will! Is that wrong that I think that's a good thing?

• Ummm I don't have to get a job but am not yet a mother. I will look back at this time of my life one day as the most glorious time ever!

• Now that illness (27 weeks of it) has passed and never returned I can eat anything I want but only if I chase it with a bottle of Tums...

• My hair looks GREAT! I mean really really great.

• The house is always clean because it's just the two of us.

• As long as I am pregnant I know I will never ever ever ever smoke. I don't have to work on will power or avoidance. It's just not an option. Now some may judge on this, please know I really will never smoke again. I will not do that to myself....But the temptation to once I am done breast feeding is going to be overwhelming....as long as I am pregnant there is no effort to it. It's a "well duhhh" sorta thing. It's easy and when has quitting smoking ever been easy?

• Ha! This is the best one yet...*singing* "I don't have to clean the litter pan, la la la la la!!!!"

• My boobs are huge! While I do spend a crazy amount of time obsessing over this as a bad thing the fact is they have never been this firm and Spouse has really never been so happy. So that one is sorta for him.

• I can go get quilt free pedicures. (Like I finally managed to do yesterday-color: "My Kind of Brown OPI")...No worries about the baby and Spouse and if I pumped enough before I left.

• That's another thing...pumping, leaky boobs, engorgement, clogged milk ducts, cracked nipples...yeah not so much!

• Getting dressed is a breeze. Only 2 things fit me at this point and really...where am I going this pregnant?

• I can be moody and have an excuse!

• I am up all night on own terms!

• Finally, my Jeep is still MY JEEP and not the Mommy Mobile. No car seats, strollers, diapers or wipes. No little mirrors, snack bags, sippy cups or "hmmm what's that stain??". There is no lolly-pop goop on the window and not one crumb of goldfish.

Now....do I sound convincing?

Those aren't the breasts I married.

As I was getting ready for bed the other night I hear Spouse say "Huh...Well those aren't the breasts I married".

I rolled my eyes and put on my tank top (a sleepy tank I have been wearing for years and although in pregnancy it barely reaches what I have left of a belly button I refuse to part with).

"I know, they wont stop changing...I am outgrowing those last bras I got...I think I am an 'H' now..."

He says nothing and when I look over to him he is just sitting there glowing with a large amount of pride. A 3 years olds "I did this!!!!" sort of look.

Another eye roll.

I am glad he is proud I tell him, but its down right uncomfortable. Shirts don't fit me right, bras this size are expensive and hard to find plus there is always the sleeping issue. Sometimes I feel as if they are going to smother me. Towels and my bathrobe are useless. Between how much I have going on up front in combo with the belly I can no longer reach to upper shelves of anything. My feet are a long lost sight and shaving my legs is an ordeal. I fear what these mammoth things will do to our baby when I try and use them for what they are intended for.

They stress me out.

None of this phases him...he just looks incandescently happy.

Men.

I am nothing if not festive.

So umm...how should I say...

Yesterday, while in the process of trying to 'encourage labor' spouse removed my bra.

Quite an effort at this point I assure you.

He looked lovingly down at my uhh...'generous endowments'...and burst out laughing.

I have grown accustom to the shock and awe that comes across his face (as if a man's wealth was measured by the size of his wife's chest and he was Bill Gates) but this was a first.

Surprised and slightly offended I gasped, "What???"

He was barely able to blurt it out.

"There is food on your boob"

I looked down and there, perched on my cleavage...was a perfectly formed orange pumpkin sprinkle.

At least it was from that morning's donut.