the perfect diet.

I think I've finally figured out. After years of struggling with my body....the perfect diet.

I call it the Anti-Salivate diet and it's sorta based on Pavlov's Dog theory.

Think about food- make food- attempt to eat food.

Blinding searing pain. Radiating from my inner ear and pulsing through my whole head...certainly more effective than a bell.

If the food actually enters my mouth watch out, that is where the real punishment begins.

There's not a number on the pain scale for what I feel; and that's with copious amounts of percoset acetaminophen coursing in my veins.

My liver is loving it I'm sure.

Drugs I have to take (obviously) on an empty stomach. So if the cutting head pain wasn't enough to deter nutrition in any form entering my system the belly pains are a great follow up.

Psychologically it's really doing a number on me. Water seems to be the only thing I can have; but not too much. If I indulge a dull ache begins.

So the upside of having one of your main salivary glands partially removed is weight loss.

Take that Hollywood.

Because there has to be an upside; I'm really a glass is half full sort of girl.

tastes like chicken

Chicken.

For me, chicken is one of the funniest words in the English language. It is. Second only to Monkey.

Funny word, funny bird but the idea of eating one is absurd.

heh

When I was 5 I asked my mother what chicken was.

She told me. (such a bad move that)

I threw a holy terror hissy fit, how could she have done that to me? How could she have fed me a formally living creature?? I felt betrayed. I soundly refused to ever eat meat again.

I stuck to it and was a veggie most of my young life. My diet was a battle between me and my Mother and there were times when she would win and I would relent.

But for the most part that was that.

I would no longer eat meat, any meat related product, or any morsal that may have come in contact with meat, a meat related product or a utensil that was used in the preperation of meat or a meat related product.

There was that pork dumpling in disguise in 2003, but thankfully I recognized it for what it was and spat it out.

Violently.

On Future Spouse's coffee table.

While he was eating.

...and he still married me.

My point...while enjoying Thai food last week there was an incident.

I was munching away when something very peculiar found in its way into my mouth.

This was my inner monologue:

Munch munch munch...
hmmm what is this?
munch munch munch...
This tastes really familiar...munch
I have not had this vegetable in a really long time (I actually did say that to myself...what is this vegetable?)
...what is this...
munch munch *swallow*....realization

Oh.My.RuntothebathroomandtrynottothrowupthatwasSOgrossbutkindofgoodinawaybutGROSSamaznghowitwasthetextureandnotthetastethatgaveitawayandIthinkIamgoingtobesickNOifIpukethisupIwillnevereatThaiagainandIloveThaifightitfightit!

...and that is how the clock on when I last ate meat was reset to zero.

Vegetarians Delight!

This is the greatest posting chain EVER.

Ok..for me, I am easily excitable....and I am beside myself to have something to post about that I don't have to actually think up on my own.

I SO enjoy reading The New Girl's blog, and I have spent some time recently trying to convince her to be new BFs. Something which I am SURE will tick off my real life BF, but you see I am not turning on her...just trying to establish a virtual friendship when actual friendships in this one friend town are slim.

(and may I remind BF, ahem, girls night out, with ahem....your new beautiful and perfect friend A. who I am yet to meet...I can be forgiven one little harmless internet friendship right?)

(right?)

The real reason for my post....Blogger chain!

Behold the mighty veggie recipe....keeping in mind that I don't actually cook so much as heat things up or in this case, mix things. Also to be fair I got this jewel from BF's Auntie.

'Southern Caviar' AKA 'Cowboy Caviar'

Get a REALLY big bowl and mix together....

1 can each (drained and rinsed) of the following:

• Black Eyed Peas
• Black Beans
• Chick Peas
• Corn

then:

• 2 medium tomatoes; chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed (I use about 5 but I LOVE me some garlic)
• 1 medium bell pepper, red, orange, yellow...which ever you fancy
• 1/2 cup chopped onion
• 1/2 up parsley or cilantro chopped
• 8oz Italian salad dressing (bought or home made)

Chill at least 2 hours (ok) or overnight (better) to blend flavors. Serve with chips as dip or as bean salad on the side. Or just leave the container open on the counter when you are heating up, I mean cooking actual dinner so you can pick at it for an hour.

Please be sure to make yummy noises where appropriate!

Now I have had an emotional night...something I might post about tomorrow... right now I need to go make brownies and eat the whole pan.

I feel so dirty!

I shouldn't have done it...I don't know what came over me.

Spouse brought home Burger King tonight. No I did not jump at his burger...yick. I don't eat Burger King...I don't eat fast food.

I never have....ever.
Not really veggie friendly. The occasional Wendy's baked potato but really that's it.

So I don't eat fast food...and along with the not eating of it I also don't drink soda.

Much.

I have partaken freely of Ginger Ale through out my pregnancy. Anything to help keep your food down I always say.

But tonight...Sitting there on the coffee table was Spouse's drink...a large COKE.

So like I said, I don't know what came over me. I picked it up and started gulping it down.

...and it was so0o0o0o0o0o good.

SO good!

Like crack. Not that I have ever or would ever try crack but I imagine this is what it would be like. A pure rush of delicious 'I know it is so bad for me' drug! It made me want more!

I have not had Coke in years! YEARS! Double digits.

Look how hyper I am from the sugar! I have used exclamation points six times already!
Ack...seven.

But tonight...oh tonight, that is all I want. He keeps glaring at me when I walk back into the room. I had to turn to the blog world to distract myself from the cold, syrupy, bubbly heaven with a straw that is in my house right now.

We do not buy soda...we do not even buy beer.

Apple juice. That is our vice.

But I understand now. I do not necessarily agree with it, but I understand the load full of Cola soda bottles in that ladies cart at the supermarket.
You know the one.

I will no longer judge her.

Much.