Monday, November 12, 2007

...and now for something completely serious...

...well not completely. Let's not be silly.

I would like to address an issue very close to my heart (this time, not my boobs. Although if you hang around they are bound to come up...drop down? Whatever.)

I have noticed talk in the media and I have read articles on the Internet centering around dating after 30. 2 minutes and 26 seconds was devoted to online dating alone on the Today show this morning. That's a record. (That is, how long I am actually paying attention to the Today show.)

But what about friendships after 30?? I have noticed a lack of friendship dating sites. There is not one "" or "" heck...not even a "" around.

I am struggling. I have lived in the QC now for 10 months and still know very few people.

Granted, I have a few things working against me.

I stay at home. There is no office environment for me to build relationships in. I do not have children (on the outside of my body anyway) to involve me in playdates or playgroups.

We are not religious. Even if we were, we are Jewish and there are not really any Jews here. We have met one, my OB and she does not know of any others. Not really enough for a community.

Spouse works in the city where people are either single and living it up or are suburban with young families but they are not located near us.

I did not volunteer when I should have and that is my fault. Now with the baby it wont be an option again for sometime.

We do not live in a neighborhood but a very rural road.

So how does one meet people?

I took heart with advice from BF that I would meet neighbors, I would meet people in my birthing class! The friendship pool was half full!!

Ever the optimist BF is.

I met my neighbors some time ago.

Above us are the nicest people but they are considerably older then us. Below us, people our age, no kids yet (although they do have 2 pups) and we got along SO well! As couple's we have hung out a few times. I went out once with C. (the wife) for dinner and manicures. Since then however there has been no repeat of our 'date'. We call them to make plans but they always tend to break them at the last minute. When they call us to hang out I happen to be out of town. In fact every time they call I have been out of town and Spouse has spent time with them.

Trying not to get a complex here.

Still neighbors do not a whole county of people make so moving on....birthing class!!! We get there and immediately there are 2 woman I like. Bonus one of those woman and her husband seem to like me and Spouse too! Yeah!

Further bonus. The wife, T. works at the physical therapy office I go too! Yeah!

Upon one visit after classes ended I asked if they would like to go out as couples for dinner.
Yes! Yeah!

So last Friday we had our 'date'. It was great. We actually went out as adults! I picked out clothes, I plucked! I took this very seriously.

I think we all had a really good time. But only days later I am as worried as a 20 year old college girl who met a cute boy and had coffee with him.

Will they call? How did we leave it? Did they like us? Was it me??? Did I mention that I was a Yankee fan too soon into the dinner? What did I do? How do I handle this?

Meanwhile, the other lady from class I gave my phone number to. I told her I was a stay home too but nada. No calls.

Am I too desperate for friends?

Then something horrifying dawned on me. All the birthing classes and play groups in the world does not actually mean any of the people I meet are going to like me!

I don't think I make friends easily. I mean I always thought I did until I really started looking at it recently.

All of the friends I do have I have known pretty much forever.

20+ years. Which in the perspective of a 33 year old is dang close to forever. My newest friendship is BF and that's going on 11+ years.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been a social butterfly. I have always been out, about and with tons of people. I am a Gemini after all...But how many of those people are actually my friends?

How many have I kept?

I always looked at my friendships like a fist full of sand.

Stay with me here.

You take a large fist of sand at the beach and then let it pour out. You wipe off our palms but a few grains always stick.

Those are the friends.
The one or two people you take away from a situation that stay with you.

Those are the ones that count.

I am blessed. I have 4 truly amazing women in my life who are my very best friends. My 'Blanket Girls'.

Together Spouse and I have a gathering of people we have known for most of our lives. Have I mentioned yet that we have known each other forever too?

This is how seriously I take my friendships. I keep them for life and I married one of them.

As a Gemini, I crave action. Groups of people and things to do. The absence of action is depressing. What makes it worse is the fear of wondering how am I going to socialize my child if I myself can not seem to do it?

When I voiced my concerns to Spouse this morning I pondered aloud how I managed to have so many people in my life for so many years. Dead pan as he can be he looked at me and stated..."It's a lot harder without all the music and the drugs."

ohhhhhh yeah.

So how does a person, over 30, passed 'all that' and in a place she really knows no one. Actually make friends? How do you find that fist full of sand?

Meeting people can be arranged.

Getting them to actually stick is a whole other story.


Mayzie said...

We have the same problem here in C/S. We had the same problem in Northern VT. Unfortunately, the only advice that I have is to join Gymboree or something similar (and hopefully nearby) after the baby is born. Is there a gym near you that has a mommy fitness class, that might work too.

When hubby was a SAHD in this very christian town we now live in, it was even worse. Compound the fact that we are not at all religious, and he was a "freak" for not working and supporting his family -the SAHM's wanted nothing to do with him. So here we were, surrounded by people who stayed home with their kids the same age as ours, but we were the lonliest people in the world.

I guess I have another piece of advice - take it slow and don't seem too desperate.

Good Luck!

Cheryl said...

I wish CT was a lot closer- I'd play with you!!! ((hugs))

Cheryl said...

o0o0 in the meetime you can check out and I think those are the ones.. I met one of my bestest friends on matchingmoms... she ended up being my prenatal yoga teacher and we are in an awesome holistic moms group together now as well.
Just a couple of ideas!

Mayzie said...

I had another idea - you could join a bookclub through your local bookstore or library.

Or, is there such a thing as a photography club?

Anonymous said...

OK 1st off, you can make friends and they will stick. Let's face it, your track record with friends is pretty good. Once you make one you never get us to go away. An then we infiltrate your family (go C3!) and we are thorns in your side and call you 40 million times a day because the dog pooped or something exciting like that :) You'll make friends... oh and who's Mayzie and where is she in Northern VT, cause I'm here...haven't met her yet...

the new girl said...

I'm so with you. People who know me but not very well would be shocked that I don't *make friends very easily* as I'm very outgoing and social.

I like the sand metaphor. I've always said that I 'collect people' from each stop in life and then I keep them forever. They all live far from me, though, and it sucks.

Even when I find a group (say a mom-group or whatever) sometimes it's hard to find the 'keeper' in the bunch.

I've got nothing for you but empathy, sister.

andi said...

I feel for you, girl. I'm the same way. When I was pregnant, there were promises that I would meet lots of new moms and have instant friends because we would have so much in common. So, I met the moms, but in truth, didn't have a lot in common with any of them (maybe I'm just a snob?)

When I do meet someone I like, I get all nervous that they're not going to like me back, too.

I like Mayzie's suggestion. I found that just because other women are moms doesn't necessarily mean they are my kindred spirits. If you join another type of group, though, you might find other moms that enjoy some things you do. I joined a Stitch and Bitch and it has been fabulous. I've met a lot of great women (and some of them are also moms. And cool moms at that.)

Keep us updated and good luck!

Michelle said...

Try being the only atheist (that I know of) in a small town in Georgia. It's not that I avoid the religious, it's just that I like to be around people who can talk about something other than going to church and "the lord said", and "pray about it", etc.

It's hard to meet people who don't judge you for being different. I've dealt with that my whole life. I'm like 7 feet tall, and I wear a size 100 shoe. I don't like scrapbooking, and I don't watch soap operas. I don't drive a minivan, even though I have 3 kids.

I actually find that I have more in common with childless people and men. And people who are 30 years older than I am.