Countdowns

For the last 11 years Thanksgiving has been a really rough holiday for me. It used to be just a holiday... a day to avoid the turkey and whine that there weren't more veggies on the table. But 11 years ago at this time we lost my mother to cancer. 13 days from diagnosis to death. That was all we got. At the time, my father was battling Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma that had only been found a month before. So yeah, not such a good time.

10 years ago my father was just ending his radiation treatments. I was on a path of self destruction and medicating myself beyond measure. None of these 'medications' were exactly legal.

9 years ago my father and I began our annual trips to California for Thanksgiving to my brother's house. This would continue for years. It was easier to leave home during that time. Easier to not be in her house and count the years back. To think about exactly what happened on what day. To gauge my memory of her by the standard of how long she had been gone.

4 years ago I think I stopped paying attention to the days. I had begun dating Spouse (who knew and loved my mother) and had finally found peace in what had happened. Acceptance that what I had left of a holiday had to be more then memorializing those 2 weeks in my head every year.

1 year ago I was finishing my last treatment before the holiday. I was going to VT to BFs, both of our traditions broken that year- we decided to be together.

It is the week of Thanksgiving and I am so grateful that from this point forward, this time of year is no longer a battle between what was and what is. I am not consumed by grief or anger. I don't mourn it. I don't turn from it.

Because one year from now I will be preparing for my baby's first birthday.

A day that as I sit in the here and now preparing for- will most certainly occur before December 3rd.

The day that I lost my mother.

Answers to the World's Most Annoying Questions.

Since the New Girl beat me to it...(I had one drafted...I just needed to be quicker! Small world this Blogosphere is...).
...I have this.

1. Nope, not yet.
2. Yes, we would have called you.
3. That's what they tell me.
4. VERY Pregnant.
5. It hurts.
6. Yeah I am done.
7. Kinda like "Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now"
8. About 20 minutes away.
9. Yes someone will call you.
10. All the time but just the fake ones.
11. 11/23
12. Yup just one week.
13. If we don't have the baby yet then I am cooking.
14. No, nothing too fancy, just the two of us and only Spouse will have turkey.
15. No vegetarians do not eat turkey.
16. No fish either...I am a v-e-g-e-t-a-r-i-a-n.
17. Veggies and Yams and such.
18. Yes I get enough protein.
19. We know what it is, a baby, we just don't know who it is.
20. Spartacus Rex...happy? We aren't telling.
21. I really don't care, just healthy.
22. Well you wont be the first to know, but someone will call you.
23. I don't know who, someone, there is a call list.
24. No when the baby is born, not when we leave for the hospital.
25. About 20 minutes...I already told you that.
26. Baking cookies.
27. He's playing solitaire on the TV.
28. Yup, we are just killing time and waiting.
29. Yeah, it's moving and grooving but wont leave.
30. Everything is ready.
31. The cats are fine, they wont bother the baby I assure you.
32. No, we do not need a net.
33. My Dad is ok.
34. He has to go see a Neurological Opthamologist.
35. I'm not sure.
36. Yes he is excited.
37. Probably not, he isn't feeling well.
38. Thank you but he cant travel.
39. We will let you know.
40. You really want me to call you about that?!?!?!
41. Yes we will still call you when it's born.
42. I'm not sure, depends when it's born and the holiday season in general.
43. Because I am going to breast feed.
44. Because I am going to breast feed.
45. Love the breast is half empty attitude, we will get it if we need it.
46. Uh-huh....
47. Sure....
48. Cookies, I am 9 months pregnant that qualifies as dinner.
49. I will....
50. I promise, we will call you!

**Disclaimer. This is not meant to offend anyone who has been so kind as to inquire as to how I am doing. You can rest assured that if you know about this blog then you aren't one of the people who this was instigated by. I ask that if you wish to ask then please please ask ask ask. I do wish to hear from you, I love you, you are my friends!!! You are not them.