Monday, December 31, 2007
Finally! 7 days in Jersey is about 4 days too long and when you add a 3 week old into the mix it is about 8 days too long.
Home. To the cats, the clean house and most importantly the arsenal of baby crap we have. We were at war last week. War with nothing but a pistol and 3 bullets.
Swing, bouncy seat, crib, bathtub...the list goes on and on. It's awesome.
Desperate to check my email this morning Spouse assembled the bouncy seat. Something I swore she was just too little for.
I have this to say.
Bless the bouncy seat.
Like a fool I was bouncing her in it. Bounce Bounce Bounce.
My foot was cramping so I stopped.
She started to wind up for a freak out. The flailing began.
And then what happened?
The seat bounced!!
HOLY SHIT!! How dumb am I???
She stopped, calming. The bouncing stopped.
Bounce baby bounce.
Blog baby blog.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
New Jersey, but that's not why I've been neglecting my beloved online community.
I've been held captive...by my baby.
Seems I must have spoken too soon.
Oh she still sleeps 5-7 hours overnight.
...take another moment....hate me...
Maybe this will make you feel better?
She is awake...all day.
Really. All day long.
So what is my day like with my incredibly cute but non-sleeping baby?
BOOB! BOOB! BOOB!
Really. All day long.
She has destroyed my left nipple single handed. It cowers in fear when it comes time to nurse her. Don't ask me why she has it in for only that nipple. She just adores the right one. Its clearly an easier nipple to get along with. Its her BFF. The left one must have said something offensive to her when I wasn't watching.
And when she is not nursing?
She is crying.
Really. All day long.
She has been super with our friends and family. She just coos and smiles and puts on her best "Aren't I the bestest baby ever?!?!" act.
Then they leave. And so it begins.
Give me back that boobie!!!!
No wait...who the hell is this guy? Daddy you say?
I don't need no stinking Daddy!
He has no sweet nectar of life!
I said...give me back that boobie!!!
And then she nods off to sleep.
For 20 minutes.
This is how is goes. All day long.
Until about midnight. When the coach turns back into a pumpkin and she sleeps for 5-7 hours.
At which point Spouse and I are pathetic excuses for human beings and everyone we know thinks we have the perfect baby.
Thank goodness she is so ridiculously cute.
They are made that way so you don't throw them in the river.
I know...this too shall pass.
Oh and before anyone jumps on me about the river comment...I would obviously never condone throwing babies in rivers. Its just wrong. Especially in winter.
Plus I am no where near the Delaware right now...so no worries.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Spouse: "You share a brain you might as well share a uterus".
Discussing the wait of 6 weeks for "marital playtime activities" and when the boobs will be his again.
Spouse: "I just don't know how I feel about it...it's like having sex on somebodies stove..."
Discussing the babe's need for multiple Binky's in the house (just in case)...I mentioned they come in Vanilla and Natural scents....
Spouse: "Natural? Like what boob scented Binky's?"
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I am not the 'call the doctor' type...I have never been that girl I don't want to be that Mom.
My baby sleeps.
Like through the night.
Ok, take a minute...hate me.
At first I thought it was the greatest thing ever. EVER. Whose 5 day old sleeps through the night? The first time it happened I flew out of bed at 6AM thinking something was wrong with her. I grabbed her hand. She grabbed back and snoozed away.
So when it continued I was just thankful for my wonderfully sleeping baby. She would nurse all day so why worry? In fact, last night was only the second night in her all of 15 days old that she was up at 3AM looking for a snack.
And it was a short lived one.
Really...that can't be good right? She has eaten 3 times since 7AM. How is that healthy?
For those of you that say 'Wake her' let me roll on the floor laughing for a moment.
There is no waking my child.
Seriously we tried to last night. She needed to nurse because she had been asleep forever.
Everyone I talk to is so well intentioned with advice but this is the thing.... I have tried it. I have stripped her, lotioned her, bathed her, made her do sleepy gangsta dances with her hat pulled down low over her eyes.
I did everything short of throwing her out in the snow and nothing, nada, not a peep.
She scootched, she squirmed, there may have been a squawk.
But she never opened her eyes. Not until purely exhausted from trying to feed a sound asleep baby I put her in her bed and turned to mine.
Then she woke up.
So today, since shes been asleep since noon I tried to do the same thing. I went to take a nap.
She is still asleep and with the exception of growing concern I am very well rested.
So I am worried. If it continues I just might call the doctor; however at her check up he said "If she sleeps for 12 hours and is lethargic there is a problem". When she wakes she is anything but lethargic.
Its just the waking that is the problem.
Oh my god how I wish more then anything I could ask my mother. I know I slept like this. I remember stories she would tell of how she would come in and pinch me.
(I still sleep like that)
There is nothing I need more right now then my mothers advice and its just not possible.
That makes me SO angry.
So my solution? Because I just don't know what to do.
The dishwasher is running, the laundry is washing.
If that doesn't wake her I am going to reconsider the snow option.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
My Mother's hands.
When we saw this at 20 weeks we thought it must be some kind of optical-ultra-sound illusion...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Fwd: I must see it in my email 4000 times a day. I am done, I can take no more. I am speaking out....
If you don't have something to say...and more importantly...if you don't have something orginal to say. DON'T SEND IT!
If it's funny...by all means...I like a good laugh as much as the next gal...
Take out the...
etc etc etc
So I don't need to scroll through a message for 45 minutes just to find which part you are actually intent on me to reading.
Oh and don't bother sending websites...I am not going to look at them. That takes way too much time to sort out of all the other junk in there. If the site is important enough to send it should be sent in it's own email.
I am a Fwd: hater.
Why don't I just delete them you ask?
I know you are asking.
Because I have to know. I have to maintain this civil liberty to get aggravated with my in laws...I mean the people who send them to me. Yeah...just 'people'....people in no way attached to me by marriage.
One of those people...you know the one who didn't give birth to Spouse. She is INFAMOUS for repeat offending Fwd:'s. I say repeat because I take great pleasure in looking up whatever bullshit she has sent me on Snopes and then hitting "Reply all" and sending out the rebuke to everyone else she has deemed worthy enough to suffer her regurgitated propaganda.
And then what happens?
Cause I know you are asking again.
That's right...the following week I get it AGAIN!
So I complain to her, it's annoying. DON'T DO IT ANYMORE! I am very clear on this. Her response..."ohhhh dahhhling...just delete them!"
How about just don't send them?
Isn't that easier then clogging up my inbox?? Which for the record, is CLOGGED because there are very few people in this world who can resist the Fwd:.
I am proud to say I am not one of them, I resist. I am not even a recovering Fwd:er. I never even tried it.
I don't do Fwd:s....Fwd:s are bad.
Frankly...rude so knock it off.
I need to start a national do not Fwd: list.
Starting with everyone whose last name is the same as mine....
I knew I should have kept my maiden name...besides just being a better name.
It is not in my genetic code to Fwd:.
Final note...on the whole maiden name thing. Shouldn't it be the better last name that is the one used when a couple marries? Not automatically the man? This isn't a feminist attitude I promise.
It's about who had the better name.
Cause mine rocked.
...But like the lack of Fwd: DNA I lack the "my children's last name's are different then mine DNA."
Maybe it's just me....
Now I insist...Fwd: this blog to absolutely no one. Unless of course you think it was really funny...but do it on your own terms. Not because you are being told to send it to 10 people, or that it will add you to a magic list somewhere of people who will get 10k for their Fwd:ing efforts.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
We (really...ME) wanted a gentle, natural, quiet and peaceful entrance into the world for our baby. I of course wanted to do the right thing by my child but I had selfish reasons too. I can not be numb I told myself. All the pain in the world is better then being numb anywhere, much less below the waist.
Unhealthy emotional panic was attached to this concept.
Bring on the pain.
Now while the circumstances of our childs birth outweighed my own neurosis I still had a good run of 12 + Hypnobirthing hours in labor.
psycho...what the hell was I thinking?
My birth plan did not go exactly as planned. Or at all really but I still was a Hypnobirthing champ at the end of it all. The Queen of Hypnobirthing.
For 36 hours after having our daughter.....I had another child of sorts.
This one took longer and hurt a hell of a lot more.
The first BM.
Now I can not imagine what the first movement must feel like with a vaginal birth...I was robbed of that little joy. I can however speak freely about the movement of the post-cesarean movement.
Oh lord above how could you create such torture and hell?
All you hear as a girl in regards to childbirth is the timeless joke. "Squeezing something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a lemon..." what they fail to mention is after you have pulled off that little beauty there is the whole "Squeezing something the size of a cantaloupe out something the size of a pine nut...".
Oh and by the way the muscles you would usually use to do that have been sliced.
The nurses distract you with things like stool softeners and questions about your digestive track. They make you think its a good thing to get moving.
I can not tell you how long I was in there. Or exactly the look of concern on Spouses face when I finally did make a limping, hobbling, sweaty appearance. What I can say is if you take Hypnobirthing for any reason it should be this one.
And with that here are my Hypono-affirmations.
I look forward to the passing of my first BM with comfort and relaxation.
I meet my first BM only with my breath.
I go inside to my first BM.
I am surrounded by a mist of bright orange that my BM vibrates to.
I focus my attention away from the negative barriers and toward the positive of the passing of my BM.
We are connected and I guide my BM gently out.
My pine nut opens wide like a flowering rose to allow the passage of my BM.
Everything flows perfectly like a beautiful dream.
...Now add some of that funky music and light touch massage and we have ourselves a better solution then half a bottle of Colace.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
I'm a Mommy.
Wow, I mean I knew it but seeing it here makes it all the more real.
Everything makes it more real.
I am still in a little bit of shock I think. I look at her, and look and look and look. Trying to memorize every little part of her before it grows....or before my shock and awe is worn away by sleepless nights (check time stamp please) and fits of what we now refer to as..."Unrelenting Riley Action".
There is a reason she was so active on the inside.
We are still working on nicknames...not to mention a blog-worthy name.
Here is what we have so far...Pumpkin Seed, Muffin Butt, Peanut (this is what I went by so I favor it), Gum Drop..but really the most fitting is The Unrelenting Riley.
She never gives up...She never surrenders.
Her most important trait, that is why she is here.
I have always believed in her; When the nurses began to move not with panic but quickly and with greater purpose; When they had me changing position searching for a dropping heart rate; When I knew something was wrong.
They cut her out of me, they told us finally that she was a SHE.... and whisked her away. We just waited. I prayed.
And then she was there, and she was perfect, and so beautiful.
Relentless I tell you.
For all the stress she was under, for her itty bitty cord, for the meconium, her lateness and for what my doctor called an ugly and degenerating placenta....she was perfect and in her father's arms.
Relentless my daughter.
A time will come when I use this term freely with her again (I suspect she will be about 3) but for right now I am blessed, we are blessed by unrelenting perfection.
Thank you everyone for your warm wishes and loving remarks. It was a thrill to come home to.
Even if it had to be at the crack ass of "why the hell am I awake?" and with the newly forming skill of blogging one handed.
Like nursing. It is an art form.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
That is not however what this post is about.
Tomorrow, 7:30 AM I get a Pitocin cocktail. That's if the snow lets us get there on time.
I love snow though and we have Jeeps, so no worries.
I have been thinking about the beginning of my journey.
On March 13Th 2007 I had a funny feeling in my belly. Butterflies.
I had felt so odd the week before. I was at BF's in VT. I was SO dizzy the whole week...it was bad. I thought it was the lump in my jaw pressing on my inner ear and throwing off my equilibrium. I thought it was the wood burning stove. I thought it was the MS.
BF didn't think the last one for the record. I remember her saying it..."I have seen you sick and you are not sick."
Neither of us ever thought about any other options.
I got home and a couple of days later I was sitting in the office (now nursery) messing around online. I was most likely lurking on Poot and Cubby or Moosh. I was a big lurker.
Like I said, I had butterflies. I also had an appointment with an ENT that day to check on lumpy. Since you all know, lumps shouldn't be ignored and I had been soundly ignoring mine since September.
With great determination I did not understand I got up from the computer; I walked downstairs to the bathroom....I picked up the pink box and took a pregnancy test.
I don't know why, I didn't really think I was pregnant. The thought had not crossed my mind that week. I also knew it would be to early to tell.
And there it was.
Bright as sunshine
The second coveted pink line.
I looked at it. I looked again. I looked at the box...back to the line.
I don't know when the tears started. I just know at some point I could not see through them, I began to hyper ventilate.
We were not supposed to be able to do this.
My old doctor told me so...literally, I quote. "There is nothing wrong with the gas station but the on ramp is a mess..."
Really, that is what he said.
So here I am so many months later. So many aches and pains, surprises and joys. So many complaints and just one little scare.
...and tomorrow is the day we have been waiting for.
...and I am so very grateful.
BF will post sex, time and weight when she can. I will be saving the birth story for when I get home. Thank you ladies for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Friday, November 30, 2007
This took way too long for me to update! Thank you for your patience...I am so very very pregnant and that state seems to be conducive only to napping and not blogging!
Here are the long awaited answers. I have to say, I think some of your guesses are funnier then the reality! (Michelle you have a naughty naughty mind...I love it!)
Cat Blocked (verb) - A personal favorite. The New Girl nailed it...trying to enjoy some love when you are so rudely interrupted in the most obnoxious of ways. You're cat blocked. Butt in face, loud purring...it makes it impossible to do anything but chuck said cat into a wall.
Ass Mice (verb) - Yes it is in fact a verb. Be careful what you say and how you say it in bars. That is how "Ask Nice" was warped into "Ass Mice?" which was then abused to the point where it is so far from its original meaning that you have a hard time remembering life without it. "I ass miced my way all over the store during the holiday sale but no one would help me"! etc etc
Masshole (noun) - I thought this was a gimme! Maybe it is just me living in New England and 10 miles away from the Massachusetts border? The New Girl and Mayzie were closest. A Masshole these days is just about anyone I am forced to come into contact with from Massachusetts. ...especially on the road. I am now convinced anyone driving too slow in the left hand lane learned to drive there, no matter what their license plate claims and no matter what state we happen to be in at the time! MOVE OVER! SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU! Common decency people! It is not all about you!
Edwina (noun) - Total drug reference from my younger years and still in conversational use today. No matter when marijuana is brought up among my friends, it is referred to as Edwina. (Which is why The New Girl's guess at "a forgetful person" had me cracking up!) This comes from the Steve Martin movie All Of Me. There is a line "Edwina Back in Bowl..." anyways, you had to be there. That shit is hilarious when you are 17 and hanging out way too much with Edwina!
Back of a Volkswagen- Credit to Kevin Smith on this one. "Sex somewhere uncomfortable..." "What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?" This is now used at home for anything considered uncomfortable.
'Nick and Elaine'. - We ALL live near them and I sure hope no one out there is offended by what I am about to say. Nick and Elaine...you know the type. The non-politically correct way to say it is...First word starts with W_ _ _ _ and second with T_ _ _ _. They keep ALL their prized possessions (you know, like broken windows, flower pots, lawn mowers, empty boxes, ladders etc etc) scattered about their front lawns as "decor". They have fake flower arrangements set out in cinder blocks. They leave their holiday decorations (not just Christmas here folks...every freaking holiday) up all year round. They have 6 people living in the house and 14 cars. 9 of which don't work, 3 of those don't have tires and the remaining rattle your windows at 3 am when they leave for ummm "work". Yeah we all have them in our neighborhoods. I used to live next to them in fact. If all that crap in the yard is important enough to keep shouldn't it be in the house and not rotting away for us all to see???? This is a post in itself.
Did a Jane. - bahahaha ahhh the Jane. Ever wonder why Walmart smells like poop? A friends sister in law "farted" in WalMart. She then realized it was more then just fart. It was a little...how do I say...squashy. So now walking through any store if that smell drifts by someone must have done a Jane.
(The end of that story by the way...Jane went to the bathroom to clean herself up and was in the handicapped stall. A young child and mother came in. The child says "Ohh Mommy...that person pooo'd their pants!! The mother says "Shhhhh...she is handicapped!!". Which she is not; we wouldn't make fun of it if she were! Now the story kills me, however, what I find even more amazing is Jane actually told this to people!)
Bump it. - Off Road term (we are a Jeep family...Rock Crawlers, not Mall Crawlers). When Spouse and I started dating that term was used plenty in the off road park. "Just Bump It"....I thought it was perfect for anything that ever needed to be forced.
I hope that semi-entertained you guys. Thanks for playing along!!!! I loved it. Please look at the comments and check out what a "Whale's Mouth" is hahaha. Oh and I think a "Bagel Minute" is like a "NY Minute"
Now...If I could just Bump out the baby life will be swell.
How many of us out there are crazy and have created our own languages? That's what The New Girl wanted to know! So I answered her and in return I am listing my own secret language and asking you dear readers to define it!
Although in all honesty mine are not nearly as good as hers...I mean I was peeing I was laughing so hard...really, go find out about the 'cat in the basement'.
I'm not going anywhere...go look and come back
Ok...As you have seen we seem to share a wee bit of brain The New Girl and I and we both use "Digger" and "If it were up your ass you'd know" on a regular basis. BUT there are so many more!
Have fun and take your best guesses!
Cat Blocked (verb)
Ass Mice (verb)
When and why would you use these?
Like in the back of a Volkswagen?
A 'Nick and Elaine'.
Did a Jane.
I'll post the answers in a few days!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Spouse brought home Burger King tonight. No I did not jump at his burger...yick. I don't eat Burger King...I don't eat fast food.
I never have....ever.
Not really veggie friendly. The occasional Wendy's baked potato but really that's it.
So I don't eat fast food...and along with the not eating of it I also don't drink soda.
I have partaken freely of Ginger Ale through out my pregnancy. Anything to help keep your food down I always say.
But tonight...Sitting there on the coffee table was Spouse's drink...a large COKE.
So like I said, I don't know what came over me. I picked it up and started gulping it down.
...and it was so0o0o0o0o0o good.
Like crack. Not that I have ever or would ever try crack but I imagine this is what it would be like. A pure rush of delicious 'I know it is so bad for me' drug! It made me want more!
I have not had Coke in years! YEARS! Double digits.
Look how hyper I am from the sugar! I have used exclamation points six times already!
But tonight...oh tonight, that is all I want. He keeps glaring at me when I walk back into the room. I had to turn to the blog world to distract myself from the cold, syrupy, bubbly heaven with a straw that is in my house right now.
We do not buy soda...we do not even buy beer.
Apple juice. That is our vice.
But I understand now. I do not necessarily agree with it, but I understand the load full of Cola soda bottles in that ladies cart at the supermarket.
You know the one.
I will no longer judge her.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Originally I composed a whole post this morning about the ins and outs of "home labor induction"...it was pretty detailed as well as being insistent that it was the last I would say on the matter! I was moving on!
It was good! I laughed...I cried..it was better then cats. Not cats (nothing is better than cats) but CATS....which almost everything is better than!
But...we saw the doctor today and after much discussion and a non-stress test (baby is perfect) an induction date was set for a week from today!!! I will get another non-stress on Thursday to be on the safe side.
It's nice to know there is an end in sight. One that works for me (I so want the baby to come only when it's ready) and my doctor (who is not comfortable letting a pregnancy go beyond 41 weeks). I know some of you would say it's not up to her, and I agree...but I trust her and she really listened to what we had to say.
If it were just up to her she would have induced me today but I really was not comfortable with it and insisted on the fetal monitoring! (Thanks for that tid-bit BF!)
Monday is a good compromise.
Then on the way home I looked at the date and got such a shiver!
(Remember I am from Jersey so imagine me saying this in my best Jewish accent "...such a shiva dahlin! You would neva believe!!")
Odd how some things just happen.
Or fail to happen...as the case may be.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
You are not like your father.
I have said all along that if you were you would have popped out 15 minutes early with a watch on.
You are late.
Which means...you could be like me.
You are in there procrastinating.
Enjoying the close dark comfort of sleeping late on a rainy morning kind of procrastinating. You know, the kind of morning where you really would not get out of bed unless something forced you to.
I am famous for it.
Are you still sleeping??
Yes, yes I am.
And it seems you are too...which is troubling on a few levels.
Where your father is even tempered and stead fast I am dramatic and fickle.
He has the ability to make up his mind on one thing and stick with it. I of course must spend an endless amount of time mulling it over...weighing my options....deciding on something, then half way through totally changing it; morphing it into something that wasn't even on the table in the first place. I will inevitably, when finished, start all over again just so I still have options.
I am impossible.
He is easy going and laid back.
He is a manager and a leader...I can not and will not be managed.
He was content to sit and play with his toys growing up, mechanically inclined he would dismantle them and reassemble them again. He loved his army men and kept them neatly packed in their bucket at the end of the day.
I exploded as a child and my toys were the shrapnel.
I still explode to this day.
What is it we can expect if you are anything like me?
If you are a girl we are very much in too deep already. My mother always wished a daughter on me that was..."just like me". I now realize with growing trepidation how seriously I should have taken that threat at the time..."So"...I sassed back..."she will have great hair".
Although, as impossibly stubborn as I can be, I am also impatient.
For something I know I really want...I rush in. For all the time I can take in making up my mind, when it is set I want immediate action and satisfaction. Just watch me.
My exit from the womb was 3 weeks early.
It's leading me back to the original question which has been nagging these long months.
My impatience growing from an even ebb and flow to a full blown flood.
Who exactly are you?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The best way to go into labor? Become COMPLETELY content with being pregnant. Decide (and believe) that you'll be totally happy being pregnant forever, and that you're ok with it. When you get to that point-- You'll go into labor within about 12 hours. Maybe 18.But ya gotta BELIEVE...."
So here it is...my belief and acceptance that I will be pregnant forever and honestly, why that is just fine by me.
- Spouse does everything for me...I mean everything. Sunday football this week in our house...Me "Can you get me 2 clementines and a paper towel? Enthusiastic Spouse "Sure!" (5 minutes later) Me "Ummm can I have 3 more?" Not So Enthusiastic Spouse "3? Are you sure you just don't want the whole box?" Me Totally Missing Beloveds Sarcasm "hmmm not a bad idea but I will need more paper towels too..."
- I LOVE to feel the baby move. It's my pal no matter where I go or what I do. I always have someone to talk to and it has an opinion on everything.
- Everywhere I go people smile at me. They look at my belly and smile. That's so cool! I am passed the "hmmm oddly fat or pregnant??" look from strangers and get smiles!
- All of my jeans have elastic tops...you know how freaking comfortable that is???
- I can wear ugly shoes all the time and no one can question me on it.
- No MS Symptoms!!!!!! No fear of MS, no question as to what each tingle or missed step could mean...it's not a degenerative neurological disease...it's pregnancy woo-hooo!!
- If I am pregnant forever then I do not need to suffer childbirth....sweet!
- Spouse rubs my feet and back without question...did I mention he does everything for me? Without me really asking now?? The independence in me still fights it but I am adjusting.
- Spouse snuggles me to sleep and then goes into the guest room leaving me in the Tempra-Pedic all by my lonesome to toss and turn and flip at will! Is that wrong that I think that's a good thing?
- Ummm I don't have to get a job but am not yet a mother. I will look back at this time of my life one day as the most glorious time ever!
- Now that illness (27 weeks of it) has passed and never returned I can eat anything I want but only if I chase it with a bottle of Tums...
- My hair looks GREAT! I mean really really great.
- The house is always clean because it's just the two of us.
- As long as I am pregnant I know I will never ever ever ever smoke. I don't have to work on will power or avoidance. It's just not an option. Now some may judge on this, please know I really will never smoke again. I will not do that to myself....But the temptation to once I am done breast feeding is going to be overwhelming....as long as I am pregnant there is no effort to it. It's a "well duhhh" sorta thing. It's easy and when has quitting smoking ever been easy?
- Ha! This is the best one yet...*singing* "I don't have to clean the litter pan, la la la la la!!!!"
- My boobs are huge! While I do spend a crazy amount of time obsessing over this as a bad thing the fact is they have never been this firm and Spouse has really never been so happy. So that one is sorta for him.
- I can go get quilt free pedicures. (Like I finally managed to do yesterday-color: "My Kind of Brown OPI")...No worries about the baby and Spouse and if I pumped enough before I left.
- That's another thing...pumping, leaky boobs, engorgement, clogged milk ducts, cracked nipples...yeah not so much!
- Getting dressed is a breeze. Only 2 things fit me at this point and really...where am I going this pregnant?
- I can be moody and have an excuse!
- I am up all night on own terms!
- Finally, my Jeep is still MY JEEP and not the Mommy Mobile. No car seats, strollers, diapers or wipes. No little mirrors, snack bags, sippy cups or "hmmm what's that stain??". There is no lolly-pop goop on the window and not one crumb of goldfish.
Now....do I sound convincing?
Monday, November 19, 2007
10 years ago my father was just ending his radiation treatments. I was on a path of self destruction and medicating myself beyond measure. None of these 'medications' were exactly legal.
9 years ago my father and I began our annual trips to California for Thanksgiving to my brother's house. This would continue for years. It was easier to leave home during that time. Easier to not be in her house and count the years back. To think about exactly what happened on what day. To gauge my memory of her by the standard of how long she had been gone.
4 years ago I think I stopped paying attention to the days. I had begun dating Spouse (who knew and loved my mother) and had finally found peace in what had happened. Acceptance that what I had left of a holiday had to be more then memorializing those 2 weeks in my head every year.
1 year ago I was finishing my last treatment before the holiday. I was going to VT to BFs, both of our traditions broken that year- we decided to be together.
It is the week of Thanksgiving and I am so grateful that from this point forward, this time of year is no longer a battle between what was and what is. I am not consumed by grief or anger. I don't mourn it. I don't turn from it.
Because one year from now I will be preparing for my baby's first birthday.
A day that as I sit in the here and now preparing for- will most certainly occur before December 3rd.
The day that I lost my mother.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
...I have this.
- Nope, not yet.
- Yes, we would have called you.
- That's what they tell me.
- VERY Pregnant.
- It hurts.
- Yeah I am done.
- Kinda like "Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now"
- About 20 minutes away.
- Yes someone will call you.
- All the time but just the fake ones.
- Yup just one week.
- If we don't have the baby yet then I am cooking.
- No, nothing too fancy, just the two of us and only Spouse will have turkey.
- No vegetarians do not eat turkey.
- No fish either...I am a v-e-g-e-t-a-r-i-a-n.
- Veggies and Yams and such.
- Yes I get enough protein.
- We know what it is, a baby, we just don't know who it is.
- Spartacus Rex...happy? We aren't telling.
- I really don't care, just healthy.
- Well you wont be the first to know, but someone will call you.
- I don't know who, someone, there is a call list.
- No when the baby is born, not when we leave for the hospital.
- About 20 minutes...I already told you that.
- Baking cookies.
- He's playing solitaire on the TV.
- Yup, we are just killing time and waiting.
- Yeah, it's moving and grooving but wont leave.
- Everything is ready.
- The cats are fine, they wont bother the baby I assure you.
- No, we do not need a net.
- My Dad is ok.
- He has to go see a Neurological Opthamologist.
- I'm not sure.
- Yes he is excited.
- Probably not, he isn't feeling well.
- Thank you but he cant travel.
- We will let you know.
- You really want me to call you about that?!?!?!
- Yes we will still call you when it's born.
- I'm not sure, depends when it's born and the holiday season in general.
- Because I am going to breast feed.
- Because I am going to breast feed.
- Love the breast is half empty attitude, we will get it if we need it.
- Cookies, I am 9 months pregnant that qualifies as dinner.
- I will....
- I promise, we will call you!
**Disclaimer. This is not meant to offend anyone who has been so kind as to inquire as to how I am doing. You can rest assured that if you know about this blog then you aren't one of the people who this was instigated by. I ask that if you wish to ask then please please ask ask ask. I do wish to hear from you, I love you, you are my friends!!! You are not them.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I leaned back on the table and prepared myself with my mad hypnobirthing skills to be 'checked'.
The doctor said "I would feel a little pressure."
I called her out and asked "Don't you mean pain?"
"Heh, well yeah," she said. "...and it will only take a second...Like an NBA second."
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I have tried to and honestly- no one wants to really read that.
So I will just say this to distract myself into thinking this is what I will focus on for the day.... and to fool all of you into thinking this is all that's really going on right now in my life that means enough to blog about.
(see how I still sneak those run-ons in!)
I LOVE Project Runway! It's back!!!!!!!
Lest you judge too quickly know this...I am by no means a 'reality TV person'.
I like sports.
Nor am I by any means a 'fashion person'.
My understanding of trends is "Do not leave the house with food stains on your boob (if it can be helped)". The only true fashion statement I ever make is- hmmm does this Yankees hat endanger my life living in New England? The closest I have ever been to "a nice dress" was my wedding gown and shhhhh I got it discount.
I also wore sneakers....silver ones....but they were still sneakers.
Oh and clearly that's not me on the link.
If it were I think I may care a bit more about fashion then seeing what a bunch of catty or funny people can create on TV.
This is me....
See....the 3 of us combined know so much about fashion that we had to spend 10 minutes making sure the dress was on facing the right direction....
That said...don't you think Heidi Klum's voice can be sorta annoying?
You know, if you put aside her amazonian beauty and just close your eyes and listen.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
- Finish packing for baby.
- Begin family holiday shopping.
- Obtain all needed information for friend doing shopping favor for me in NJ.
- Get Pedicure -with the hoonanny nay nay on display for everyone to see dang it my feet are going to look good when this kid comes out!
- Visit Old Navy store for baby bunting -only item not secured. (Next to pedicure palace...excellent!)
Today's "Reality".A night of false labor...2 hours total sleep.
A moose in BF's yard. Cool!
Xmas shopping begun...check.
Elusive breast pump kit being picked up in NJ and mailed to me by rocking friend...check!
Beloved relative on life support. Oh god.
Hysterical phone calls to Spouse where he assures me he will take me to NYC for services if needed no matter when or how. Breath, stop crying. Call other relatives for full story. Agree man made of steel and will bounce back. Only positive thoughts!
Toaster oven in fact.
What's that smell?
Fire in the house?!?!?!
New plan for day...scratch pedicure plans. Go back to bed and add "buy new toaster oven" next to "get pedicure" for tomorrows "to do" list.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I would like to address an issue very close to my heart (this time, not my boobs. Although if you hang around they are bound to come up...drop down? Whatever.)
I have noticed talk in the media and I have read articles on the Internet centering around dating after 30. 2 minutes and 26 seconds was devoted to online dating alone on the Today show this morning. That's a record. (That is, how long I am actually paying attention to the Today show.)
But what about friendships after 30?? I have noticed a lack of friendship dating sites. There is not one "Shopwith.com" or "Spouselessdinners.org" heck...not even a "RuralLadiesWhoLunch.edu" around.
I am struggling. I have lived in the QC now for 10 months and still know very few people.
Granted, I have a few things working against me.
I stay at home. There is no office environment for me to build relationships in. I do not have children (on the outside of my body anyway) to involve me in playdates or playgroups.
We are not religious. Even if we were, we are Jewish and there are not really any Jews here. We have met one, my OB and she does not know of any others. Not really enough for a community.
Spouse works in the city where people are either single and living it up or are suburban with young families but they are not located near us.
I did not volunteer when I should have and that is my fault. Now with the baby it wont be an option again for sometime.
We do not live in a neighborhood but a very rural road.
So how does one meet people?
I took heart with advice from BF that I would meet neighbors, I would meet people in my birthing class! The friendship pool was half full!!
Ever the optimist BF is.
I met my neighbors some time ago.
Above us are the nicest people but they are considerably older then us. Below us, people our age, no kids yet (although they do have 2 pups) and we got along SO well! As couple's we have hung out a few times. I went out once with C. (the wife) for dinner and manicures. Since then however there has been no repeat of our 'date'. We call them to make plans but they always tend to break them at the last minute. When they call us to hang out I happen to be out of town. In fact every time they call I have been out of town and Spouse has spent time with them.
Trying not to get a complex here.
Still neighbors do not a whole county of people make so moving on....birthing class!!! We get there and immediately there are 2 woman I like. Bonus one of those woman and her husband seem to like me and Spouse too! Yeah!
Further bonus. The wife, T. works at the physical therapy office I go too! Yeah!
Upon one visit after classes ended I asked if they would like to go out as couples for dinner.
So last Friday we had our 'date'. It was great. We actually went out as adults! I picked out clothes, I plucked! I took this very seriously.
I think we all had a really good time. But only days later I am as worried as a 20 year old college girl who met a cute boy and had coffee with him.
Will they call? How did we leave it? Did they like us? Was it me??? Did I mention that I was a Yankee fan too soon into the dinner? What did I do? How do I handle this?
Meanwhile, the other lady from class I gave my phone number to. I told her I was a stay home too but nada. No calls.
Am I too desperate for friends?
Then something horrifying dawned on me. All the birthing classes and play groups in the world does not actually mean any of the people I meet are going to like me!
I don't think I make friends easily. I mean I always thought I did until I really started looking at it recently.
All of the friends I do have I have known pretty much forever.
20+ years. Which in the perspective of a 33 year old is dang close to forever. My newest friendship is BF and that's going on 11+ years.
Don't get me wrong, I have always been a social butterfly. I have always been out, about and with tons of people. I am a Gemini after all...But how many of those people are actually my friends?
How many have I kept?
I always looked at my friendships like a fist full of sand.
Stay with me here.
You take a large fist of sand at the beach and then let it pour out. You wipe off our palms but a few grains always stick.
Those are the friends.
The one or two people you take away from a situation that stay with you.
Those are the ones that count.
I am blessed. I have 4 truly amazing women in my life who are my very best friends. My 'Blanket Girls'.
Together Spouse and I have a gathering of people we have known for most of our lives. Have I mentioned yet that we have known each other forever too?
This is how seriously I take my friendships. I keep them for life and I married one of them.
As a Gemini, I crave action. Groups of people and things to do. The absence of action is depressing. What makes it worse is the fear of wondering how am I going to socialize my child if I myself can not seem to do it?
When I voiced my concerns to Spouse this morning I pondered aloud how I managed to have so many people in my life for so many years. Dead pan as he can be he looked at me and stated..."It's a lot harder without all the music and the drugs."
So how does a person, over 30, passed 'all that' and in a place she really knows no one. Actually make friends? How do you find that fist full of sand?
Meeting people can be arranged.
Getting them to actually stick is a whole other story.