Friday, October 31, 2008

well crap.

My heart is breaking.

My MS flared out of nowhere, I don't know what triggered it but it seems to be firing on all cylinders. I submitted to my doctor and had new MRI's run. They came back 'active'. Dangerous.

Tomorrow will be day 4 of The Juice. It could stretch to day 5. I'm a pin cushion. Today was my 8th stick with a needle/IV. If it weren't for the bruises I would have lost count.

I have to go back on my regular medication. Rebif. An injectable drug I can not breastfeed while taking.

I have to stop breastfeeding the baby. For good. Now.

And for that, not my illness, or the sticks, or the hours in an infusion room away from my family; my heart is breaking.

I have to stop. For real this time.

I have to keep saying it because I can not even begin to process this without hysterics.

I know I'm lucky, I know so many woman who don't get 2 hours; 2 weeks; 2 months nursing.

I've had almost 11 months.

And for every break of my heart I have a baby pulling at my shirt in tears; banging her head against me. She is getting desperate. I feel as if a fissure has opened up between us, I don't know what to do.

I try to look at the bright side. I can buy real bras again and be comfortable...

Maybe I'll get some new non-mommy undies to go with them?

Now I don't have to stress about being bit?

Not much of a bright side.

For the record; 2 years ago tonight, Halloween night, was my last shot of Rebif. I remembered the elation I felt when I took it. Freedom, for at least a little while. From the constant needles and medications. We were going to try and have a baby. That last shot meant the first step for a whole new life.

In the back of my mind the reality of having to go back to it was always there. I just didn't realize when it came down to it, how much it was going to sting...or how much nursing would change me.

Tonight those 2 years of freedom and our 11 nursing months just doesn't feel like enough for me.

It certainly isn't enough for her.


Sam said...

Ah fuck. I'm so sorry. Here I am laying in bed complaining to myself about pain and you're going through so much more.

Whirlwind said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear that.

Eleven months is great though. The longest I got was 9.5 months.

Mayzie said...

I have no words except, I'm sorry. I wish I could be there to help and give you a hug. I've been worried about you. Riley will bounce back, and so will you.

Amber said...


That's actually all I can think of to say. Just, "Ugh."

It's good to hear from you, though, even if it's bad stuff. I was missing you and starting to worry a little.

Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Oh honey I am so sorry that you time nursing Riley has been cut short. I really hope that the juice and the meds help with your MS and get it back in check. This totally sucks. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts coming your way. (((Hugs)))

The Mrs. said...

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you.

the new girl said...

Oh, Clink.

That is total suckage right there. I feel for both of you but I am sure that there's no real rift. It's guilt and sadness and you're certainly allowed to grieve, whether or not there are other mothers who couldn't get to 11 mos.

For you, it's an early termination to an aspect of your motherhood that you are connected to, for both of you, and it's forced upon you from the outside. It's unfair.

But your other commenters are right, you guys will be fine and she will probably forget much more quickly than you will.

Be well.