My heart is breaking.
My MS flared out of nowhere, I don't know what triggered it but it seems to be firing on all cylinders. I submitted to my doctor and had new MRI's run. They came back 'active'. Dangerous.
Tomorrow will be day 4 of The Juice. It could stretch to day 5. I'm a pin cushion. Today was my 8th stick with a needle/IV. If it weren't for the bruises I would have lost count.
I have to go back on my regular medication. Rebif. An injectable drug I can not breastfeed while taking.
I have to stop breastfeeding the baby. For good. Now.
And for that, not my illness, or the sticks, or the hours in an infusion room away from my family; my heart is breaking.
I have to stop. For real this time.
I have to keep saying it because I can not even begin to process this without hysterics.
I know I'm lucky, I know so many woman who don't get 2 hours; 2 weeks; 2 months nursing.
I've had almost 11 months.
And for every break of my heart I have a baby pulling at my shirt in tears; banging her head against me. She is getting desperate. I feel as if a fissure has opened up between us, I don't know what to do.
I try to look at the bright side. I can buy real bras again and be comfortable...
Maybe I'll get some new non-mommy undies to go with them?
Now I don't have to stress about being bit?
Not much of a bright side.
For the record; 2 years ago tonight, Halloween night, was my last shot of Rebif. I remembered the elation I felt when I took it. Freedom, for at least a little while. From the constant needles and medications. We were going to try and have a baby. That last shot meant the first step for a whole new life.
In the back of my mind the reality of having to go back to it was always there. I just didn't realize when it came down to it, how much it was going to sting...or how much nursing would change me.
Tonight those 2 years of freedom and our 11 nursing months just doesn't feel like enough for me.
It certainly isn't enough for her.