Wednesday, April 23, 2008

and again

I miss my Mother.

I know what you are thinking...."And??" Who doesn't miss their deceased parent?

It has been 11 years and it isn't getting any easier. Not that I ever really expected it to.

I am thinking of her more often now. It may have something to do with reading
this, or this, or this. Oh and this one reduced me to tears.

No really, on my own terms I find a reason to think of her 15 times a day. I see what she is missing and it makes me angry. I feel that if I wish for it hard enough, if I will it to happen she will appear. I will be able to hold up my daughter and say. LOOK! Look at her. Isn't she perfect? Isn't she beautiful? Don't you want to see this?

Then other days I thank her. Look at this child you have given me. She was meant to be, I know it.

I understand what love is now. I think that is it.

I know what love is, and so now I really know what I am missing. For the first time I am realizing not how much I loved her, but how much she loved me.

It some how makes her loss fresh. And in that brand newness of sorrow~ I am lost...and I have to mourn her all over again.


Cheryl said...

I wish I could just give you a big hug. ((hugs))

andi said...

I'm sorry, honey. Some of those posts made me cry and my mother is still here. Just thinking about a world without her makes me weep.

I'm just so sorry, but also grateful that you get to experience that love for your small girl.

EmilyPie said...

oh wow. I'm sorry. My husband's mother passed away 9 years ago... and he doens't talk about it. I bring it up sometimes, and I cry... I guess men and woman are different.

Sending big hugs yoru way!

Greg said...

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Heather said...

I understand how you feel in some ways, but then again I don't. I lost my dad (well the guy who raised me since I was 3, since my dad got another family...we talk now, but that is another story) We lost him young and it is still very hard. I drive by his house every so often and just check...don't know what i am checking for, but I still do. Its hard to be a parent after losing a parent. You can't tell them thank you, or apologize for being a jerk of a kid when they were just trying to do what they thought was the right thing. Lots of hugs coming to you.....

debawriter said...

i know just how you feel.

Wishing you some peace and comfort!


Megan said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had something great and inspiring to say but I am not good at that.

I like to think those we love always stay with us. She is there. She sees her beautiful granddaughter. And she is proud of you.

My husband lost his mother before we met. He talks about her and he cries. He doesn't know it, but I talk to her too. I wish I could have met the woman who raised such an amazing man.

Jungles Wife said...

My mom died when I was 18 - before I got married and before my sons were born. I still miss her. No one can every take her place.

Amber said...

I keep reading this post, and wanting to comment, and not commenting because I'm afraid anything I can say will seem trite. But now I feel like an ass for not commenting. So here's what I feel, and so what if it's trite: This post is honest and painful and touching. I'm sorry that you lost your mother at all, but especially before you could share your daughter with her.