I miss my Mother.
I know what you are thinking...."And??" Who doesn't miss their deceased parent?
It has been 11 years and it isn't getting any easier. Not that I ever really expected it to.
I am thinking of her more often now. It may have something to do with reading this, or this, or this. Oh and this one reduced me to tears.
No really, on my own terms I find a reason to think of her 15 times a day. I see what she is missing and it makes me angry. I feel that if I wish for it hard enough, if I will it to happen she will appear. I will be able to hold up my daughter and say. LOOK! Look at her. Isn't she perfect? Isn't she beautiful? Don't you want to see this?
Then other days I thank her. Look at this child you have given me. She was meant to be, I know it.
I understand what love is now. I think that is it.
I know what love is, and so now I really know what I am missing. For the first time I am realizing not how much I loved her, but how much she loved me.
It some how makes her loss fresh. And in that brand newness of sorrow~ I am lost...and I have to mourn her all over again.