Tuesday, September 2, 2008

the perfect diet.

I think I've finally figured out. After years of struggling with my body....the perfect diet.

I call it the Anti-Salivate diet and it's sorta based on Pavlov's Dog theory.

Think about food- make food- attempt to eat food.

Blinding searing pain. Radiating from my inner ear and pulsing through my whole head...certainly more effective than a bell.

If the food actually enters my mouth watch out, that is where the real punishment begins.

There's not a number on the pain scale for what I feel; and that's with copious amounts of percoset acetaminophen coursing in my veins.

My liver is loving it I'm sure.

Drugs I have to take (obviously) on an empty stomach. So if the cutting head pain wasn't enough to deter nutrition in any form entering my system the belly pains are a great follow up.

Psychologically it's really doing a number on me. Water seems to be the only thing I can have; but not too much. If I indulge a dull ache begins.

So the upside of having one of your main salivary glands partially removed is weight loss.

Take that Hollywood.

Because there has to be an upside; I'm really a glass is half full sort of girl.


Domestic Extraordinaire said...

oh no. hope it goes away soon....hugs

Amber said...

Losing weight is good, but enjoying your food is even better. I hope you can eat properly before long. Until then, can you drink broth, or does the salt in it kill you? Because broth, sipped extraordinarily slowly, has kept me alive through some pretty bad stomach ailments.

Sam said...

Have you tried drinking Ensure or Boost? Tastes gross but will keep you from dying and shit. Also, there is a higher calorie version, with 350 instead of 250.

flutter said...

and a beautiful girl, too.

the new girl said...


Not a good diet, that.