There are no pictures of this little baby.

In preparation for childbirth Spouse and I took a class in Hypnobirthing.

We (really...ME) wanted a gentle, natural, quiet and peaceful entrance into the world for our baby. I of course wanted to do the right thing by my child but I had selfish reasons too. I can not be numb I told myself. All the pain in the world is better then being numb anywhere, much less below the waist.

Unhealthy emotional panic was attached to this concept.

Bring on the pain.

Now while the circumstances of our childs birth outweighed my own neurosis I still had a good run of 12 + Hypnobirthing hours in labor.

Go me...
psycho...what the hell was I thinking?

My birth plan did not go exactly as planned. Or at all really but I still was a Hypnobirthing champ at the end of it all. The Queen of Hypnobirthing.

For 36 hours after having our daughter.....I had another child of sorts.

This one took longer and hurt a hell of a lot more.

The first BM.

Now I can not imagine what the first movement must feel like with a vaginal birth...I was robbed of that little joy. I can however speak freely about the movement of the post-cesarean movement.

Oh lord above how could you create such torture and hell?

All you hear as a girl in regards to childbirth is the timeless joke. "Squeezing something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a lemon..." what they fail to mention is after you have pulled off that little beauty there is the whole "Squeezing something the size of a cantaloupe out something the size of a pine nut...".
Oh and by the way the muscles you would usually use to do that have been sliced.

The nurses distract you with things like stool softeners and questions about your digestive track. They make you think its a good thing to get moving.

I can not tell you how long I was in there. Or exactly the look of concern on Spouses face when I finally did make a limping, hobbling, sweaty appearance. What I can say is if you take Hypnobirthing for any reason it should be this one.

And with that here are my Hypono-affirmations.

I look forward to the passing of my first BM with comfort and relaxation.
I meet my first BM only with my breath.
I go inside to my first BM.
I am surrounded by a mist of bright orange that my BM vibrates to.
I focus my attention away from the negative barriers and toward the positive of the passing of my BM.
We are connected and I guide my BM gently out.
My pine nut opens wide like a flowering rose to allow the passage of my BM.
Everything flows perfectly like a beautiful dream.

...Now add some of that funky music and light touch massage and we have ourselves a better solution then half a bottle of Colace.

'D' Day +3

I wanted to thank everyone who has been reading and commenting for your support! I have received wonderful advice and a lot of love, it's nice to know I am not alone in this one. I am really loving this bloggy world!!

Originally I composed a whole post this morning about the ins and outs of "home labor induction"...it was pretty detailed as well as being insistent that it was the last I would say on the matter! I was moving on!
It was good! I laughed...I cried..it was better then cats. Not cats (nothing is better than cats) but CATS....which almost everything is better than!

But...we saw the doctor today and after much discussion and a non-stress test (baby is perfect) an induction date was set for a week from today!!! I will get another non-stress on Thursday to be on the safe side.

It's nice to know there is an end in sight. One that works for me (I so want the baby to come only when it's ready) and my doctor (who is not comfortable letting a pregnancy go beyond 41 weeks). I know some of you would say it's not up to her, and I agree...but I trust her and she really listened to what we had to say.
If it were just up to her she would have induced me today but I really was not comfortable with it and insisted on the fetal monitoring! (Thanks for that tid-bit BF!)
Monday is a good compromise.

Then on the way home I looked at the date and got such a shiver!
(Remember I am from Jersey so imagine me saying this in my best Jewish accent "...such a shiva dahlin! You would neva believe!!")
December 3rd.

Odd how some things just happen.
Or fail to happen...as the case may be.

'D' Day +1

Well...that seals it.

You are not like your father.

I have said all along that if you were you would have popped out 15 minutes early with a watch on.

You are late.

Which means...you could be like me.

You are in there procrastinating.
Enjoying the close dark comfort of sleeping late on a rainy morning kind of procrastinating. You know, the kind of morning where you really would not get out of bed unless something forced you to.


Like pitocin.


I am famous for it.
Are you still sleeping??
Yes, yes I am.
And it seems you are too...which is troubling on a few levels.

Where your father is even tempered and stead fast I am dramatic and fickle.

He has the ability to make up his mind on one thing and stick with it. I of course must spend an endless amount of time mulling it over...weighing my options....deciding on something, then half way through totally changing it; morphing it into something that wasn't even on the table in the first place. I will inevitably, when finished, start all over again just so I still have options.

I am impossible.
He is easy going and laid back.

He is a manager and a leader...I can not and will not be managed.

He was content to sit and play with his toys growing up, mechanically inclined he would dismantle them and reassemble them again. He loved his army men and kept them neatly packed in their bucket at the end of the day.

I exploded as a child and my toys were the shrapnel.
I still explode to this day.

What is it we can expect if you are anything like me?

If you are a girl we are very much in too deep already. My mother always wished a daughter on me that was..."just like me". I now realize with growing trepidation how seriously I should have taken that threat at the time..."So"...I sassed back..."she will have great hair".

Although, as impossibly stubborn as I can be, I am also impatient.

For something I know I really want...I rush in. For all the time I can take in making up my mind, when it is set I want immediate action and satisfaction. Just watch me.

My exit from the womb was 3 weeks early.

Yours however....

It's leading me back to the original question which has been nagging these long months.

My impatience growing from an even ebb and flow to a full blown flood.

Who exactly are you?

...and now for something completely serious...

...well not completely. Let's not be silly.

I would like to address an issue very close to my heart (this time, not my boobs. Although if you hang around they are bound to come up...drop down? Whatever.)

I have noticed talk in the media and I have read articles on the Internet centering around dating after 30. 2 minutes and 26 seconds was devoted to online dating alone on the Today show this morning. That's a record. (That is, how long I am actually paying attention to the Today show.)

But what about friendships after 30?? I have noticed a lack of friendship dating sites. There is not one "Shopwith.com" or "Spouselessdinners.org" heck...not even a "RuralLadiesWhoLunch.edu" around.

I am struggling. I have lived in the QC now for 10 months and still know very few people.

Granted, I have a few things working against me.

I stay at home. There is no office environment for me to build relationships in. I do not have children (on the outside of my body anyway) to involve me in playdates or playgroups.

We are not religious. Even if we were, we are Jewish and there are not really any Jews here. We have met one, my OB and she does not know of any others. Not really enough for a community.

Spouse works in the city where people are either single and living it up or are suburban with young families but they are not located near us.

I did not volunteer when I should have and that is my fault. Now with the baby it wont be an option again for sometime.

We do not live in a neighborhood but a very rural road.

So how does one meet people?

I took heart with advice from BF that I would meet neighbors, I would meet people in my birthing class! The friendship pool was half full!!

Ever the optimist BF is.

I met my neighbors some time ago.

Above us are the nicest people but they are considerably older then us. Below us, people our age, no kids yet (although they do have 2 pups) and we got along SO well! As couple's we have hung out a few times. I went out once with C. (the wife) for dinner and manicures. Since then however there has been no repeat of our 'date'. We call them to make plans but they always tend to break them at the last minute. When they call us to hang out I happen to be out of town. In fact every time they call I have been out of town and Spouse has spent time with them.

Trying not to get a complex here.

Still neighbors do not a whole county of people make so moving on....birthing class!!! We get there and immediately there are 2 woman I like. Bonus one of those woman and her husband seem to like me and Spouse too! Yeah!

Further bonus. The wife, T. works at the physical therapy office I go too! Yeah!

Upon one visit after classes ended I asked if they would like to go out as couples for dinner.
Yes! Yeah!

So last Friday we had our 'date'. It was great. We actually went out as adults! I picked out clothes, I plucked! I took this very seriously.

I think we all had a really good time. But only days later I am as worried as a 20 year old college girl who met a cute boy and had coffee with him.

Will they call? How did we leave it? Did they like us? Was it me??? Did I mention that I was a Yankee fan too soon into the dinner? What did I do? How do I handle this?

Meanwhile, the other lady from class I gave my phone number to. I told her I was a stay home too but nada. No calls.

Am I too desperate for friends?

Then something horrifying dawned on me. All the birthing classes and play groups in the world does not actually mean any of the people I meet are going to like me!

I don't think I make friends easily. I mean I always thought I did until I really started looking at it recently.

All of the friends I do have I have known pretty much forever.

20+ years. Which in the perspective of a 33 year old is dang close to forever. My newest friendship is BF and that's going on 11+ years.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been a social butterfly. I have always been out, about and with tons of people. I am a Gemini after all...But how many of those people are actually my friends?

How many have I kept?

I always looked at my friendships like a fist full of sand.

Stay with me here.

You take a large fist of sand at the beach and then let it pour out. You wipe off our palms but a few grains always stick.

Those are the friends.
The one or two people you take away from a situation that stay with you.

Those are the ones that count.

I am blessed. I have 4 truly amazing women in my life who are my very best friends. My 'Blanket Girls'.

Together Spouse and I have a gathering of people we have known for most of our lives. Have I mentioned yet that we have known each other forever too?

This is how seriously I take my friendships. I keep them for life and I married one of them.

As a Gemini, I crave action. Groups of people and things to do. The absence of action is depressing. What makes it worse is the fear of wondering how am I going to socialize my child if I myself can not seem to do it?

When I voiced my concerns to Spouse this morning I pondered aloud how I managed to have so many people in my life for so many years. Dead pan as he can be he looked at me and stated..."It's a lot harder without all the music and the drugs."

ohhhhhh yeah.

So how does a person, over 30, passed 'all that' and in a place she really knows no one. Actually make friends? How do you find that fist full of sand?

Meeting people can be arranged.

Getting them to actually stick is a whole other story.