Wednesday, December 12, 2007

There are no pictures of this little baby.

In preparation for childbirth Spouse and I took a class in Hypnobirthing.

We (really...ME) wanted a gentle, natural, quiet and peaceful entrance into the world for our baby. I of course wanted to do the right thing by my child but I had selfish reasons too. I can not be numb I told myself. All the pain in the world is better then being numb anywhere, much less below the waist.

Unhealthy emotional panic was attached to this concept.

Bring on the pain.

Now while the circumstances of our childs birth outweighed my own neurosis I still had a good run of 12 + Hypnobirthing hours in labor.

Go me...
psycho...what the hell was I thinking?

My birth plan did not go exactly as planned. Or at all really but I still was a Hypnobirthing champ at the end of it all. The Queen of Hypnobirthing.

For 36 hours after having our daughter.....I had another child of sorts.

This one took longer and hurt a hell of a lot more.

The first BM.

Now I can not imagine what the first movement must feel like with a vaginal birth...I was robbed of that little joy. I can however speak freely about the movement of the post-cesarean movement.

Oh lord above how could you create such torture and hell?

All you hear as a girl in regards to childbirth is the timeless joke. "Squeezing something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a lemon..." what they fail to mention is after you have pulled off that little beauty there is the whole "Squeezing something the size of a cantaloupe out something the size of a pine nut...".
Oh and by the way the muscles you would usually use to do that have been sliced.

The nurses distract you with things like stool softeners and questions about your digestive track. They make you think its a good thing to get moving.

I can not tell you how long I was in there. Or exactly the look of concern on Spouses face when I finally did make a limping, hobbling, sweaty appearance. What I can say is if you take Hypnobirthing for any reason it should be this one.

And with that here are my Hypono-affirmations.

I look forward to the passing of my first BM with comfort and relaxation.
I meet my first BM only with my breath.
I go inside to my first BM.
I am surrounded by a mist of bright orange that my BM vibrates to.
I focus my attention away from the negative barriers and toward the positive of the passing of my BM.
We are connected and I guide my BM gently out.
My pine nut opens wide like a flowering rose to allow the passage of my BM.
Everything flows perfectly like a beautiful dream.

...Now add some of that funky music and light touch massage and we have ourselves a better solution then half a bottle of Colace.


Anonymous said...

I was fine until the last line, then I lost it... I love Colace. Not having a vaginal birth you are also missing the orgasmic properties of a refrigerated Tucks pad applied in all the right places :)

Mayzie said... just a little too much information.

I don't remember, but I don't believe I had that problem - sorry you had to go through it, hopefully it gets better soon.

And I've no idea about what Elizabeth was using the tucks pad for - and I had a vaginal birth.

andi said...

Yes. Be happy you missed out on that little gem. I was terrified to poop (I'll save you the mental image of what I thought would happen if I did). :) Oh, and thanks for not posting pictures.

andi from Poot and Cubby

Michelle said...

You poor thing! I've heard that gas pains are awful after a c-section too.

I didn't have any shitting trouble. After birth #1 (and a horrible case of medical assault) I had a fourth degree laceration, which meant I was cut and then tore all the way through the rectal sphincter. But no pain after. And no poo pain either. Of course they had me so loaded up on stool softener that I could have shat out my own body weight and not felt it.

Tucks pads are good for hemmorroids. The witch hazel on them is soothing. Not everyone has to use them though. I guess if your pucker doesn't look like a jelly donut thrown on a pillow case, then you might not need them. ;-)

I hope it gets better for you.

Cheryl said...

All I can say is ROFLMAO.