As my baby plays quietly by herself on the floor (as I think she does too often) my fingers clack clackity away on pointless internet crap.
Have you played Sramble or Scrabulous on Facebook? My lord it's an obsession.
My car died again last night. I know AGAIN.
This time it was the battery, and this time it happened in my very own garage...this time Spouse could fix it. BUT; I didn't realize how scarred I was from my previous experiences with my
not again not again not again.
10 Days in New Jersey, breaking down in
Which is very true. We have no money.
And we live kind of in the middle of no where.
And we don't really know anybody.
And the only times I feel like I leave the house are because I make an excuse to and it's always to go somewhere that people traditionally spend money.
Which we don't have.
In a car that is an afternoon with AAA waiting to happen.
Do you see where I'm going with this? My heart hurts. I'm lonely. I'm broke. I can't go too far.
shhhhh I think I may even be a teeny-eeny-bit....depressed.
There I said it.
I have looked for stuff to do....it's all far away. Kindermusik, Gymboree, Meet-ups, Mommy and Me. Far far away.
Money. Gas prices. Car time bomb.
Yes I know I make a lot of excuses, I'm famous for them (chime in here BF).
BUT; this time I am really trying.
And it's not working.
And that doesn't help.
I also happen to come along with the small handicap of imploding instantaneously in temperatures above 70 degrees.
My worst nightmare is that the car will leave me stranded on the side of the road on a hot day with my baby. I fear it.
Not in the way I fear clowns, but more in the inevitable end sort of way.As if I'm waiting for it.
And that is no way to live.
I'm not happy and I think I said as much to Spouse last night. Although he may not have picked up on the words exactly, you know, with all of the crying and the blubbering and the finger pointing.
And here's the rub. I don't exactly feel as if I'm entitled to be unhappy. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing baby and a beautiful home. Where do I get off?
I know it's a dangerous trap to compare yourself to others, and I'm not doing that. I'm comparing myself to myself. I know when I have felt like this in the past and frankly things were awful.
To make myself feel better I would dream of this life I have now. But then I would attack myself and scold saying I would never get it. I didn't deserve it.
Well you know what, I know I deserve it and I worked really freaking hard to get it.
But it's not enough; I feel like a spoiled brat because I want the other stuff too. I want the friends who are there all of the time, physically as well as emotionally. I want things to do. I want some action.
Friendly, free, air-conditioned, action.
I just don't know where to look for it, and I don't know if my car can get me there.