Tuesday, July 15, 2008

by osmosis.

My heart hurts.

As my baby plays quietly by herself on the floor (as I think she does too often) my fingers clack clackity away on pointless internet crap.

Have you played Sramble or Scrabulous on Facebook? My lord it's an obsession.

My car died again last night. I know AGAIN.

This time it was the battery, and this time it happened in my very own garage...this time Spouse could fix it. BUT; I didn't realize how scarred I was from my previous experiences with my piece of crap Jeep. The fear and stress descended upon me in an instant. I shook with anxiety.

not again not again not again.

10 Days in New Jersey, breaking down in a ghetto Springfield Massachusetts. The hits with this car just keep coming. Each time its happened I cry "new car"....and then we pay a small fortune get it fixed and Spouse cries "no money".

Which is very true. We have no money.

And we live kind of in the middle of no where.

And we don't really know anybody.

And the only times I feel like I leave the house are because I make an excuse to and it's always to go somewhere that people traditionally spend money.

Which we don't have.

In a car that is an afternoon with AAA waiting to happen.

Do you see where I'm going with this? My heart hurts. I'm lonely. I'm broke. I can't go too far.

shhhhh I think I may even be a teeny-eeny-bit....depressed.

There I said it.

I have looked for stuff to do....it's all far away. Kindermusik, Gymboree, Meet-ups, Mommy and Me. Far far away.

Money. Gas prices. Car time bomb.

Yes I know I make a lot of excuses, I'm famous for them (chime in here BF).

BUT; this time I am really trying.

And it's not working.

And that doesn't help.

I also happen to come along with the small handicap of imploding instantaneously in temperatures above 70 degrees.

My worst nightmare is that the car will leave me stranded on the side of the road on a hot day with my baby. I fear it.

Not in the way I fear clowns, but more in the inevitable end sort of way.

As if I'm waiting for it.

And that is no way to live.

I'm not happy and I think I said as much to Spouse last night. Although he may not have picked up on the words exactly, you know, with all of the crying and the blubbering and the finger pointing.

And here's the rub. I don't exactly feel as if I'm entitled to be unhappy. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing baby and a beautiful home. Where do I get off?

I know it's a dangerous trap to compare yourself to others, and I'm not doing that. I'm comparing myself to myself. I know when I have felt like this in the past and frankly things were awful.

To make myself feel better I would dream of this life I have now. But then I would attack myself and scold saying I would never get it. I didn't deserve it.

Well you know what, I know I deserve it and I worked really freaking hard to get it.

But it's not enough; I feel like a spoiled brat because I want the other stuff too. I want the friends who are there all of the time, physically as well as emotionally. I want things to do. I want some action.

Friendly, free, air-conditioned, action.

I just don't know where to look for it, and I don't know if my car can get me there.


Amber said...

I know that stagnant, lonely feeling, and I'm so sorry you're there now. Of course you deserve to have the things you say you want.

I wish I could help more, but all I have is a suggestion you've probably already thought of: are there any groups of mommies that meet in your area, like a La Leche League or something? It wouldn't be tons of fun in and of itself, but at least it would be a way to get out of the house and meet people who are guaranteed to have something in common with you. My mom made a lot of good friends through LLL when my sister was a baby.

Heather said...

I understand. We once lived in the middle of no where and we didn't have an extra car. That really sucked a duck if you know what I mean. The internet became my bestest friend. How small is this town you live in? Is there a MOPS group or anything?

Anonymous said...

I wish I was close enough to do more than chat on the phone and laugh at your funny baby eating your face :)

Just remember....me, you, pool...next week (and if we play our cards right the Drunk One will take us out for fancy dinner on her!)

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your car...
If you do ever decide to get rid of your car..I can recommend a great place called www.junkacar.com that will buy your car off you no matter what the condition is... LOL

Just a suggestion :)

Best of Luck!!!!!!!!

San Diego Momma said...

I know how you feel...not that it makes it any better, but I've completely been there.

And you're not a spoiled brat...you're a human needing a connection.

I hope the web offers some feeling of contact with others who feel like you do while you're in the process of getting yourself on track at home.

I know it's not the same as having someone close by physically, but your online friends are here! :)


Mayzie said...

Unfortunately, I also know how you feel. It's also one of the reasons we left bumfuckville, VT, and why we don't live closer together.

I hope things get better.