Tuesday, July 29, 2008

mama's little helper.

I sat on the doctors table.


I had arrived on time for my appointment but without the paperwork I needed for my "pre-op" visit.

You see, Lumpy's day out in quickly approaching and they need to make sure I am alive and well before his removal.

"I..p-p-put the p-p-paperw-ork in my b-agggg yes-t-t-terdayyyy" I blubbered.

I continued in an incoherent hysteria....

....I feel as if I am loosing my mind. I am miserable, I cry all the time, I am insecure and paranoid. I feel hopeless and sad. (I stopped blogging) I forget everything...I actually left the garage door to my bay open the other night. All night. And the pass door to the house. OPEN. With Spouse's big-wig financial institution laptop in his Jeep...Someone could have taken it! Someone could have taken the

I continued between racking sobs....

It was like I woke up one morning and someone flipped a switch. I went from perfectly normal (for me) to a total basket case. What was wrong with me?

My doctor listened to my rant. She assured me that while the brainlessness of a Mommy is normal and gets exponentially worse with each child...she feared there was more going on. And then she said it.

"Post...Par..." I cut her off.

NO, that's not me. Maybe other people, but not me. I was happy, look at my girl! She is remarkable isn't she?

(Riley squeals at this as if to say, dang straight mommy! You tell her!)

"I can't have po-pa-pp...you know...that. Because it's been almost 8 months and well frankly that is just not ME."

She patiently listened to my denials. She waited for me to calm down.

She told me there was most likely a chemical imbalance in my brain. It was probably caused by 'The Juice' and in combination with my baby hormones threw everything out of whack. She said it wasn't my fault. She offered me medication.

I stood at this. NO. No meds! I have been depressed before. I battled my way through the death of a parent without the help of legal drugs. I know myself so well, I am an adult in control of my own mind (sob) and I will not give in to medication.

I left with the name of a therapist in my area. I have had plenty of therapy in my life, it has served a great purpose. It has aided me in over coming the outside influences which I could not control and my reactions to them.

Logical right?

When I got home I discussed it with anyone who would listen to me Spouse. He agreed with my doctor. It made a lot of sense. 'The Juice' flipped a switch and maybe a little pill could switch it off.

Maybe. I was skeptical.

I traveled to New Jersey to spend a week with my father and BF. I thought it over.

Today I saw my doctor again and today I left with a prescription for 'The Prozac'.

I can't stand the idea that I would need something like this. But one night I went to bed happy, and the next morning I woke up miserable. Nothing remarkable happened, no tragic events, no traumatic experiences.

I just woke up a different person than I was the night before.

I'm frightened. I can't stand the idea of a non-recreational drug influencing me. Making me feel or better; allowing me to feel somehow other than I am.

Does that make sense? I get woozy on Tylenol, what the heck is this stuff going to do to me?


Megan said...

Ugh, I don't know what to say. I hate not being one of the wonderful people who always has the right words.

Just know that people care and your are in their thoughts. I agree with Spouse. Maybe the switch needs a little pill to turn off. Whatever happens, I hope you are feeling like yourself again. Soon. The blogosphere misses you.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Aw, honey. There's no shame in it. I've battled depression for years. the pills give you a level playing field, that's all. You need your brain to get straightened out. Then go to the therapist and work on your heart.

It helps.

Email me if you want to know more about how I dealt with it.


Domestic Extraordinaire said...

I totally understand what you are going thru. I have taken prozac before. Now I take something else, that helps with the fibro and depression. Drop me a line if you have any questions....HUGS!!

Amber said...

I don't have any specific wisdom on this subject, but I can relate to the instinct to underestimate what you're dealing with and overestimate your own ability to deal with it. I get in a funk, too, sometimes, and I think it would be hard to accept that maybe it's more than just a funk. But if the funk won't leave on its own, I think your doctor's right: force it out.

Good luck. And keep us updated.

the new girl said...

Aw Clink,
That sucks. But what Mrs. Chicken says. That's what I say too.


The Mrs. said...

I have also battled "that" after my first was born. Therapy helps. I also agree with what Mrs. Chicken said.

San Diego Momma said...

You'll get through it. You'll get through it.
Do what you have to do and know it's all going to be OK.
Saying prayers for you --

San Diego Momma said...

You'll get through it. You'll get through it.
Do what you have to do and know it's all going to be OK.
Saying prayers for you --

San Diego Momma said...

Sorry for the dupe comment.
Those dang word verification things foiled me again!

Anonymous said...

speaking as a veteran of the Welbutrin I can say that'll just make everything a little better. It doesn't solve the worlds problems but it definitely puts you in a better place. It'll make you as sane as you were before the switch flipped (not that you being sane is that much better than insane) pahahah! Love ya...fill the prescription!

Swistle said...

I go back and forth on this, too. On one hand, it makes me uncomfortable to have chemicals messing with my brain. On the other hand, my own natural chemicals are messing with my brain RIGHT NOW, and they are not doing a good job. Firing those bastards and replacing them with competent workers seems like a good plan. ...But I don't KNOW the new employees, and feel weird about giving them free run of the place. And what if I THINK they're competent replacements, but actually they're going to tear the place up and rob me blind? And so I waffle and waffle and waffle.

stljoie said...

I have had several periods in my life where Rx was needed to help me though periods of depression. I thank God for them.