The JMIL Factor

I, like many women, have a hard time communicating with my mother in law.

My Jewish mother in law.

She is a sweet darling woman. There is not a bad or evil bone in her body. She just happens to not listen to a word I say.

Spouse says it is because she talks and listens to me like I am one of her daughters.

This drives me crazy.

I say what I mean. I do not make a lot of fuss or use fancy words...I tell it like it is.

She interprets what I say in ways I could never have imagined.

Example...

Me: The sky is blue JMIL, it should be a nice day for a walk!

JMIL: OUI!!!!! Mervin had a kidney stone removed, how nice of you to offer to bring him a kugel.

Me: Ummm JMIL, I am very sorry for Mervin but I have no interest in bringing him a kugel.

JMIL: You want a kugel? I will make two then. Do you want some mundel bread to go with it? Bring some to your father, he loves my mundel bread. How is he feeling?

Me: Ummm JMIL No thank you, I do not wish to take any kugel or mundel bread. My father is the same thank you.

JMIL: teh teh teh, such a shame about your father. (shaking head and putting hand to forehead) You know what you should do? I will tell you what you should do...here is what I think you should do...You should get someone in! That is what you should do! Get someone. Do you think they would like some mundel bread too?

Me: No thank you JMIL, no mundel bread. We do not need to get someone in, my father manages.

JMIL: Mervin has some one in! Perhaps you can ask for a recommendation when you bring him the kugel....

Really this is how it goes. So when I say to JMIL..."JMIL, I will be in NJ this weekend and I would like to spend the morning and afternoon with you and JFIL so you can see the baby. I will be there around 9 and I will have to leave around 4. We can have lunch but not dinner, as I have plans."

This is what I get in return...."How wonderful!!! We can go shopping, have Spouse put the carriage in your car and JFIL can come too and help watch the baby. We can go to the mall, or the outlets. What would you like for dinner? I will go to Wegmans. Should I pick something special up or should we just make our own lunch and DINNER? I can make a kugel!"

What a weekend it will be!

Do you want to know how much? I will tell you how much...this is how much....

Now if Spouse reads this I am a dead woman....

Bad. Bad. Wife.

Today is Spouses birthday.

So far I have....

• Elbowed him 6 times over night, 4 on purpose (snoring)
• Barely opened my eyes enough this morning to kiss him and mutter a Happy B-day
• Bought him an Carvel ice cream cake (football shaped...go me)
• Did not buy him a present (Erm...doesn't the Superbowl count?)
• Yelled at him that he could not have said cake yet (like he was 5) when I heard the freezer door open
• Pressured him to put the baby to bed for me....(imagine Spousal pouty look here..."But it's my birthday...")
• Made it very clear to him what a pain in the ass it was to go get that cake today
• I did get him cards. One from me, one from the baby and one from the cats...go me
• Soundly ignoring him so I can write this blog under the guise of "No longer wanting to watch football coverage"
• Will continue to soundly ignore him so I can wrap presents for other peoples birthdays that I did bother to buy for
• Ordered take out (again) for birthday calzone. I didn't even bother to pick it up (so it would be hot) I had the creepy delivery guy come to the house

I don't even need to ask. I know it's wrong.

So very wrong.

Vegetarians Delight!

This is the greatest posting chain EVER.

Ok..for me, I am easily excitable....and I am beside myself to have something to post about that I don't have to actually think up on my own.

I SO enjoy reading The New Girl's blog, and I have spent some time recently trying to convince her to be new BFs. Something which I am SURE will tick off my real life BF, but you see I am not turning on her...just trying to establish a virtual friendship when actual friendships in this one friend town are slim.

(and may I remind BF, ahem, girls night out, with ahem....your new beautiful and perfect friend A. who I am yet to meet...I can be forgiven one little harmless internet friendship right?)

(right?)

The real reason for my post....Blogger chain!

Behold the mighty veggie recipe....keeping in mind that I don't actually cook so much as heat things up or in this case, mix things. Also to be fair I got this jewel from BF's Auntie.

'Southern Caviar' AKA 'Cowboy Caviar'

Get a REALLY big bowl and mix together....

1 can each (drained and rinsed) of the following:

• Black Eyed Peas
• Black Beans
• Chick Peas
• Corn

then:

• 2 medium tomatoes; chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed (I use about 5 but I LOVE me some garlic)
• 1 medium bell pepper, red, orange, yellow...which ever you fancy
• 1/2 cup chopped onion
• 1/2 up parsley or cilantro chopped
• 8oz Italian salad dressing (bought or home made)

Chill at least 2 hours (ok) or overnight (better) to blend flavors. Serve with chips as dip or as bean salad on the side. Or just leave the container open on the counter when you are heating up, I mean cooking actual dinner so you can pick at it for an hour.

Please be sure to make yummy noises where appropriate!

Now I have had an emotional night...something I might post about tomorrow... right now I need to go make brownies and eat the whole pan.

I have nothing.

Nothing to say that is.

Well I do.

I just can not articulate it. Doesn't that suck? All sorts of things are yammering away in my brain and they can not get out.

How fast this is all going. How I made her cry the other night. How I wonder what she is thinking. How she finally took a bottle. How my MS is flaring. How I am ignoring it. How I have heard I can actually take my meds and keep breast-feeding. How she may be our only child. How I am seething with jealousy that Spouse is going to the Superbowl. How I got my period at 6 weeks (WTF??). How Spouse quit smoking. How lots and lots of things....

But I don't write about them. I am no longer funny.

I used to be funny.

Casey said so.

See...

And you should listen to Casey because she knows about lots of things.

(Do you see that, November! Talk about dragging your bloggy feet. Go on ask me how long it's been since my Baby Shower and if the thank you notes are done. Exactly.)

Everyone talks about the 'Baby Brain'....what they don't tell you is that when you have the baby, it actually takes your brain with it on the way out.

So you are left with nothing. Brain wise.

But what you get in return....

Just a teeny bit worth it huh?

Is It Wrong??

Please feel free to weigh in on the following moral and ethical problems I am currently facing....

1) Is it wrong to want to unload a cat because he annoys you? Really...We don't like him...he smells like death, he eats puke (eeekkk), he CRIES at all hours of the night for no reason and he is deeply deeply stupid.









I mean, you cant get rid of your kid if you just don't like it so does the same apply to pets?

2)Is it wrong, when putting your baby to bed, to consider not pulling her arms through her onezie and calling that a swaddle? This child has never met a swaddle blanket, mechanism or technique she could not best. So why not just remove her arms entirely from the equation by forgetting to put them through the sleeves. Logical right?

3) Is it wrong that you totally ignored a minor fender bender that happened right next to you in a parking lot? There were extenuating circumstances...the babe was starving, you know, wasting away to nothing, kind of hungry. I had just popped her on and I hear 'Bang'. I don't think they saw me there, tinted windows and all, and they both stopped and exchanged info...but I didn't step forward with the "she did it" side of the story you know?

4) Is it wrong to feed your spouse Hot Pockets 5 out of 7 nights a week? You really have no idea where the day goes and right around the time you remember you didn't eat lunch he comes home for dinner. What else can be done??

5) Is it wrong that when gifted with two and only two Superbowl tickets that you totally forget your cousin who uses one of your season seats all year long? You forget him to the point that flights are booked and paid for and then you think..."Hey wait a minute...shouldn't one of these seats go to Ray??"

...that's just today. I could easily do this once a week.

So whats the input?

What in your life is just wrong?

The Tenacious G

For those of you who may not know...

I bleed blue. Really blue. I mean BLUE.

Born and raised. Season ticket holder.

My New York Football Giants....are going to the SUPERBOWL!

Holy crap!

And you know who else is going to the Superbowl?

My brother.
With who you ask?
My Spouse.

(For those same people who don't know...they have been the very best of friends since they were 12)

Who isn't going to the Superbowl?

Besides Favre (who really I do feel so sad for).

Me.
My boobs.
My baby.

I always said I would never have a baby during football season...this is why.

Woops.

Ahhh the sacrifices of motherhood. They are many.

This is going to cost us a fortune. We actually cant afford this.

Still.

He is going.

Go Giants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I blame "Nap Time"

Not that I am complaining, because I know I have it really really good.

But.

The kid most certainly in no way shape or form slept through the night last night.

In fact she was up. Every hour.

Every one.

Up and CRANKY for about a total of an hour.

Then she would drift back to sleep and I would attempt to do the same.

This would take her about 2 minutes and me about an hour.

Remember the part where I said she was up every hour?

Good times. Good times.

Balloon Race

Yeah...So, you know that carnival game where you shoot water into the mouth of a character to fill the balloon up?

Well has anyone else ever reached a ridiculous limit of frustration with their crying 'for no apparent reason' infant?

A limit where they found themselves spraying breast milk into the infant's wailing gaping maw for fun?

Have they continued to do it until they realized that their nipples actually had pretty good aim?

Have they found great amusement when said infants wails ceased, and a look of "What exactly are you doing woman??" passed across their face?

Just me?

I was afraid of that....

A rare and different tune.

Tonight I sat in the nursery for what seemed like hours.

I rocked. Rock rock rock.
I bounced. Bounce bounce bounce.
I sang. Every song in my repertoire. Over and over.

The songs I sang to my belly when she was inside me. The ones I sang to her in the hospital. The songs I sing in the shower, or to myself in the car.

All of them. Over and over.

My poor baby just couldn't, wouldn't sleep.

Exhausted myself I tilted my head back and dozed. I hummed. Somewhere in between the sleep and waking I caught a melody. Soon the words formed and I began to sing. Words that I don't think have crossed my lips in almost a decade.

Has it been that long since I have even hummed the tune?

Amazing how our heads can forget but our hearts remember the words...I was singing a song that cuts to the quick of my childhood.

I went to a sleep away farm camp in Vermont from the age of 7 to 18. This was a down to earth hippie camp that is the foundation of who I am. Although I was raised in New Jersey; I have always maintained that I grew up in Vermont.

Without even realizing it I sang with ease to the end. The cherished song I learned sitting around a camp fire, star gazing and dreaming of what my life just might hold in store for me.

I thought of my dear friend Mayzie, and how she would understand the ache in my heart; she had sat with me so many years ago in a different world singing The Circle Game.

Tonight I was totally enveloped in the beauty that life has blessed me with. These are the things I may have dreamed of when I was small and hidden in that quiet valley of southern Vermont.

Until tonight I never realized how very far away I felt from the child that I was; I wasn't sure why...maybe because I held my own child in my arms.

Fast asleep.

Got Boob?

And now a word from our sponsor....

My life! Proudly brought to you by the letter B!

• Baby
• Boppy
• Burp rag
• Bouncy seat
• Blankie
• Birth Ball
• Boobies!!!
• Binky
• Bras
• Baskets (I love me some baskets)

Oddly enough...Spouse's name starts with 'B'.

The cats you ask?

• Bacon
• Blossom
• Beans! (Codename; Bubba)

Life before all of the above? Before the Internet?

• BBS (10 points to anyone who BBS'd too!)
• Bud
• Bowls
• Bars
• Beer
• Bottles
• Bhangovers

Instead of counting sheep last night, I started counting B's. I realized short of the talking furry little monsters on strings I am living on Sesame Street. The part of the Grouch this morning will be played by my baby.

Seriously, I should cut her some slack. She is actually sleeping right now. Swaddled just short of asphyxiation; but sleeping.

If you are ever on "Wheel of Fortune" and make it to the end; remember the letter 'B'. When they give you the final puzzle and the most common letters...Guess 'B'.

You'll thank me later.

Oh one more thing...I know you think I missed it.

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