Saturday, January 5, 2008

A rare and different tune.

Tonight I sat in the nursery for what seemed like hours.

I rocked. Rock rock rock.
I bounced. Bounce bounce bounce.
I sang. Every song in my repertoire. Over and over.

The songs I sang to my belly when she was inside me. The ones I sang to her in the hospital. The songs I sing in the shower, or to myself in the car.

All of them. Over and over.

My poor baby just couldn't, wouldn't sleep.

Exhausted myself I tilted my head back and dozed. I hummed. Somewhere in between the sleep and waking I caught a melody. Soon the words formed and I began to sing. Words that I don't think have crossed my lips in almost a decade.

Has it been that long since I have even hummed the tune?

Amazing how our heads can forget but our hearts remember the words...I was singing a song that cuts to the quick of my childhood.

I went to a sleep away farm camp in Vermont from the age of 7 to 18. This was a down to earth hippie camp that is the foundation of who I am. Although I was raised in New Jersey; I have always maintained that I grew up in Vermont.

Without even realizing it I sang with ease to the end. The cherished song I learned sitting around a camp fire, star gazing and dreaming of what my life just might hold in store for me.

I thought of my dear friend Mayzie, and how she would understand the ache in my heart; she had sat with me so many years ago in a different world singing The Circle Game.

Tonight I was totally enveloped in the beauty that life has blessed me with. These are the things I may have dreamed of when I was small and hidden in that quiet valley of southern Vermont.

Until tonight I never realized how very far away I felt from the child that I was; I wasn't sure why...maybe because I held my own child in my arms.

Fast asleep.


pootandcubby said...

This is one of my favorite posts of yours so far. Just beautiful.


Mayzie said...

Too many memories from that time that I have forgotten. Too many friends lost in time.

I too have used that song to lull Ryan to sleep. Not sure why it works, but it does.

When she gets a bit older you should try Sasha's "Telephone Wire" song - Ryan loved it! And if you remember all of it, let me know. I can only remember bits and pieces.

Elizabeth said...

So beautiful. Sleep well babe and mommy.

Mayzie said...

Oooh, and if you've really run out of things to sing to her, sing HB's version of "Have you ever been down the water spout" - another one of Ryan's fave's.

Michelle said...

That sense of peacefulness and serenity flowed out of you and right into her. Even if your voice had a little bit of nostalgia and wistfulness, she could feel that relaxing sense of calm as your muscles stopped tensing and your body relaxed and let her know that sleep was where she would find that same peace and contentment with you.

Their ability to sense your relaxation is amazing. Do you think she might still want to be reminded of what it's like to fall asleep being rocked and moved around while hearing the sound of your voice? Just as she did before she was born?

I had forgotten how much babies love for you to sing to them. And most of the time, they don't care if your voice sounds like a cat getting his balls raked across a cheese grater.

I bet you two were quite a lovely site rocking together.

the new girl said...

This is a seriously sweet post.

My baby is up right now screaming.


Oh, The Joys said...

I second what Poot and Cubby said. This was beautifully done and evocative.