I have just spent a great deal of time working on a post about all the things that went wrong today.
About all the domestic mishaps that have pushed me to the very edge.
It was amusing, it had pictures. I went to empty the dishwasher and I realized how negative it all sounded and something even more important dawned on me.
I am having a baby.
All of a sudden I just swelled up and couldn't hold back the tears. I am going to be a mother.
Soon, very very soon.
The doctor told me this morning you were a "happy baby". I truly believe that you are and I have for months now.
I know you love me, I know you know me. I know you chose us. I love you more then anything else in this world and I don't even know who you are yet.
Well I know one thing, you are mine, ours. A product of a love I never imagined I would have. Something I never even dared to dream of because of how badly I really wanted it.
I have spent my whole pregnancy not using the phrase "I cant wait..." I didn't want to wish it away. Now though, knowing you are healthy and so very close to ready I can say it. I cant wait. To meet you, to see who you are, to be part of who you are going to be. I want to look into your eyes and see you looking back at me.
I know you are perfect, you were meant to be. They told us it wouldn't happen naturally, to try but not to hope too much. It happened right away. It was effortless.
I saw you would be here during the saddest part of my year. The time when I lost my mother, your grandmother, and I cried, not out of missing her (which I never stop doing) but because somehow I knew she has had a hand in this.
I worry about a lot of things, I stress about a lot of things and they all seem so silly and pointless. The one thing I never fear however, the one thing which your father truly embraces without hesitation...is you.
We trust you will come naturally, safely and beautifully in your own time. We trust in your tiny perfection no matter who you are. We trust we will love you, always, and give you everything we are.
Because for the last 9 months we have dreamed of you.
Thank you for keeping it all in perspective for me. I know maybe it wont always be just this quiet and peaceful but I will deal with that when the time comes.
For now though I truly cant wait.